It was 11pm and I finally lied down in bed to put my head to rest. Only my head continues to keep running a marathon as the rest of my body rests. Next thing I know I'm waking up at 1:52 as Lincoln cries across the hall. Cries are those of hunger and a wet diaper in need of change. Without hesitation I spring up from bed when I hear the first cry.
I listen to the cry for a minute on the nights he wakes up. There are two distinct cries; one is a toss and turn, half awake but still asleep cry. Those are my favorite because I don't leave the bed, I get to lie back down and shut my eyes again. The second cry is the louder of the two screaming, "Get your butt up, Mom! I'm hungry and wet!"
I shuffle my feet in the darkness across the room, stub my pinky toe on the end of my dresser. Da*n$t!! It makes absolutely no sense that I sleep furthest from the door when I'm the one that wakes to the early morning wake up calls. Husband says it's his way of protecting me; he likes to be closest to the door. Only it takes an army to wake him up unless it's an alarm coming from that phone of his. Anyone else like that? You can nudge and shove, raise the volume to the television, turn on every light in the room and there will be no movement. As soon as the alarm on his phone goes off, he's up in an instant. Part of me thinks it's his ploy to stay in bed when Lincoln wakes up in the middle of the night. But on the other hand, he's the hardest working man I know. Once his head hits the sack, it's as if he sinks into the bed and his sleep within seconds, soaking up every minute of sleep until that 3:30am alarm goes off.
I finally get Lincoln back to sleep after 45 minutes. It's approaching 4am and I shut my eyes until my 4:45 alarm goes off. Normally I snooze the crap out of my alarm. So much so that I think it's going to be a productive day as I start my day at 5am but next thing I know I'm waking up to another one of Lincoln's cries. Only this time he's up and ready to go for the day because it's 8:30 in the morning. S*$t!! I did it again; I overslept my alarm. And then I'm left feeling like I've lost all chances to "me time" for my day as I go straight into mommy mode and work mode. But on this morning, it was different.
I've been telling myself for weeks now that I'm going to get up early on this very Monday to start writing again. My plan was to invest in a Keurig, because I don't have time to make an entire pot of coffee. I have two minutes otherwise I'm changing my mind and going back to bed. Keurig's brew coffee in less than two minutes; genius! Due to my birthday being last week, my lovely parents gifted me with a Keurig. I've been wanting one for months. I was actually quite shocked I still got a birthday gift from my parents. After all I'm recently married and no longer their little girl (although I know they think differently).
I wake up at 4:45 with only a few hours of sleep here and another hour or so of sleep there and I brew myself a cup of chai latte. I hate black coffee, it's gotta be loaded with deliciousness for me to consume it. Besides, I woke up at 4:45 in the morning, I deserved this cup of chai. Usually I have a plan when I wake up. Today I did not. So I grabbed my cup of chai, a book I'm currently reading, my notebook and pen, my comforter, pillow and a blanket and head into our closet and make my own little nest where I tell myself, "This, this is where the magic will happen." Somewhere in this closet full of beautiful shoes and clothes, I'm going to find my inspiration to write. It's a great place for planning. It's quiet, secluded and safe. I read a couple chapters of my book, set it down and I begin to write.
So now we're all caught up. Here I am! I've taken a few months off from writing. I felt myself losing compassion, losing creativity and becoming stressed. It was as if I felt I was being graded on my writing. So I stopped. I decided it was time to "drop the course" and just go on to another activity. I'm really good at that; the whole not finishing what I started, thing. It's annoying. But I'm determined that part of me will change someday. Maybe I'll find my motivation and inspiration in this here closet.
Truth be told, writing is what makes me feel whole. It's a place I go to where everything just makes sense. Just me, my thoughts, the paper or the screen. I have a bajillion thoughts in my head every day, writing helps me get some of the junk out so I can be still for a bit. There's nothing better than a moment of silence with not a thought in the world entering your mind. I imagine it being a lot like being in a man's mind, only that's how his mind runs majority of the day. Women on the other hand, we think, we process, we analyze and then we repeat that process over and over. Sometimes it's tiring to be a woman.
I needed to write again because my days were becoming a cluster f*%k. I have been stressed beyond my mind with no outlet besides exercise. And even that doesn't always help. I know Yoga is what my mind and body needs, but the only thing I want to do is throw around heavy weights and sweat like a pig. There's just something about sweat that makes me feel like I've accomplished something huge in the moment.
I intend to continue writing, but eliminating the pressure I put on myself this time. It may be 5 days or 2 weeks before I write and publish a blog again, but I'm back. And it feels ever so good.
Throughout my time off, I became a newlywed, I've finished two books (more than I've read in the last two years combined), I've managed to make it over half way through another season of coaching high school girls soccer, I've picked up more clients at our gym, which means more time away from home and my little one(s), and I've taken more baths than my own son because if I couldn't write, I had to do something to unload my piles and piles of stress.
Life as a newlywed, ahhhhh....bittersweet! I've been married for a little over one month now which technically makes me an expert at the whole marriage thing. So next time I plan to write on marriage, and children, and stress management and handling all the craziness at once. But today I have come and I have conquered. I beat my alarm clock, I began my journey of writing again, and I continue to be present more often on the screen because it makes me feel whole.
For those that have been asking. I wrote a book back in November/December of last year. It's finished but not yet edited. My book is a memoir of my crazy, messy and beautiful life; who wouldn't want to read about my life, right?! (Please note the sarcasm) I'm really struggling right now to hand my memoir over to anyone to read. There's a lot of personal stuff in there that I felt compelled to share with the world; women especially. I believe my life was written to be an example and hopeful inspiration to others.
In February of 2015, shortly after receiving news of my pregnancy, I received news that my baby daddy was about to be a baby daddy to another baby mama's child due to an affair in our relationship. For those that followed my short (long in others eyes but short in mine as I could have written the world some days) posts on Facebook throughout my pregnancy, I turned to writing once again as my therapy. Writing was my life support. Pregnancy was a real bitch for me. I was going through a crisis in my relationship and I wrote in my book about my relationship, my past leading up to my relationship; which really started at the age of twelve, and I wrote about new life after my child was born into this world. Lincoln was my warrior who carried me through valleys and mountains so deep and high at the same time before he even entered the world. What strength he has that he doesn't even know he withholds yet.
I plan to have my book edited and published when the timing is right. For those that pray, please pray for me as I continue to decide on this book. For now, I'll stick behind the computer screen and write tid bits of life on here.
Thank you, friends and family for supporting me in my journey, for supporting our marriage and for supporting our little family.
God Bless,
Liz
