Knowing Your Voice In A Quiet World

In 1791 in the First Amendment of the Constitution, we were given the right of freedom of speech. In that same amendment we were given freedom of religion, freedom of the press and the right to assemble. Two and a quarter centuries later we thankfully still have that right, but expressing our voice has become more fragile than ever. I am part of a generation where change is inevitable. If you don't have the latest iPhone, if your eyebrows aren't perfectly groomed, and if you're not on social media, you're going to feel out of the loop. I've learned from having social media, that people express their voice behind cell phones and in pictures. 'Selfies' have been a way of expression across the entire world. 

We've become okay with seeing women express their beauty in a photo with little clothing and men expressing their masculinity as they pose in front of the mirror flexing their muscle-ly muscles. But to express ones self through politics, religion, race, etc.; you better watch out. In my personal opinion, I don't see how one is more offensive than the other; if you are one that takes offense to others opinions that is. How has sex, something that is meant to be intimate and personal, become the accepted way of expression for our society today? Why is it so fragile to talk about the things that make this world go round, but so easy to express ourselves with our bodies? What is happening to our freedom of speech? 

Quite frankly I'm hesitant and sometimes afraid to share myself in an open blog to the public. I know I'll receive judgments and criticism, but I promised myself I'd be raw (Hence the Raw Mom) when writing and expressing myself. There's only one judge I need to worry about. And I'm pretty sure we don't purge here in the U.S., so I think I'm safe. (See The Purge, a movie to know what I mean there)

Not too long ago I found myself in an extremely uncomfortable position for a brief moment when I openly asked someone if they believed in God. You would have thought I told them the world was ending tomorrow. I asked questions like: do you like sports, where are you from, do you have any siblings and then I asked, are you a believer and BAM!! It was like a bomb went off. When I was only asking a simple close-ended question. I was criticized for passing judgment onto that person after said person was not a believer. I wanted to ask, what is it that gives you the impression I'm any better than you because I'm a believer and you are not? I'm no one to judge. So the assumption that I was casting judgement hurt a little bit. I let it bother me for a good week before I could gather all of my thoughts and talk about it.

The whole time I thought I was wrong in asking the question. But I have the freedom of speech to ask questions, just like said person had the freedom of speech to ask where I'm from and what I do for a living; both intimate parts of who I am as well. But because we live in a world where freedom of speech is ever so fragile, I was left feeling uncomfortable and so was said person when I asked the question.

I realized that it's just the way the world is right now. I'm a white woman in a relationship with a black man and our relationship brings a whole new set of expression to the table. Our child, who is a perfect mixture of us both, will need to know he can express himself for who he is someday too. I think there's great beauty in individuality, but society always gets you to try to conform to it and work against one another. 

Asking that question and the degree of uncomfortableness it set for the other person let's me know that something didn't set right with them, it wasn't my fault. That's something they have to work through for themselves. I beat myself up over it long enough. And I told myself no more after a week had passed. 

In order for me to be true to those I know, I have to be true to myself. And with that comes my freedom of speech and expressing myself the way I do in my writing and the way I do in talking. I realized not everyone is going to be okay with the things I express. And that's perfectly okay with me because there are things that I don't agree with when you express yourself to the open public, but I love and accept you anyway. Listen people, we aren't going to get along 100% of the time. We aren't going to agree on everything. And it's gosh darn okay to be the different one in your group of friends who all dress the same, talk the same and do the same. As long as those friends still love and accept you for who you are.

Having a voice in today's world may sometimes be challenging, but it's important. With topics like politics, religion, race, and sexuality being so fragile, you need to have a voice. I think it's always important that you just remember to be true to who you are. Don't conform to society. Express yourself in the way you see fit. Whether your way of expressing yourself is by actively participating in a campaign for this years presidential candidacy, or whether it's expressing yourself by sharing your love for Jesus, or whether you are expressing yourself through your human rights, no one way is more right or wrong from the other. If you're too worried about what everyone else will think, you'll never find your voice. 

So although I'm hiding behind a computer in saying all this right now, I'm going to continue expressing myself in open conversation with those I meet and greet throughout my every day. If you don't have a voice, I encourage you to find yours. Otherwise you'll end up bottling in everything and with that comes issues down the road. Actively exercising your voice in a respectable manner is vital for you. It sort of gives you life. 

I am thankful for my freedom of speech and I am confident in my voice. This judgmental society that we live in, just know that in due time, it too shall pass. Live on with who you are my friends. 

Overcoming My Addiction

Below is a letter I received three years ago from my abuser, which is preceding to the blog. 

Dear Elizabeth,

​Do you remember the night I showed up and fed you nothing but sweets for dinner? You didn’t seem to mind that was all I brought you for dinner. You loved the cheesecake, the oreos, the ice cream and the rice cakes dipped in peanut butter that I served you. The joy that streamed from your eyes made me so happy. Do you remember that? You invited me into your home quite often. I usually showed up with lots of fatty and sugary foods because I knew they made you the happiest. You’d eat an entire box of “Cheez-its” before you’d even speak to me. But it was okay, as long as you were happy.

It got to a point where you invited me over so often that you started to hide me. Your roommates never knew I was around; they didn’t even know who I was. Again, I accepted that you hid me from others. After all, I was pretty mean and harmful. I started to abuse you physically and emotionally. You became an angry person because of the abuse I did to you. You took your pain out on others and never told them that I was the problem. You started to gain weight from all the foods I brought over for breakfast, lunch and dinner. When you began inviting me over for more than just dinner, I knew you were lonely. I was always there for you. We became good friends; attached at the hips, kind of friends.

One day, you went off to work and I never heard from you. You usually checked in, so I was a bit worried and I showed up at your door late one evening to check on you. You welcomed me, but you were crying. You took the treats I brought you and put them in the trash and poured milk over everything so you wouldn’t dig them out later to eat. The next day came and I never heard from you then either. You didn’t answer the door that night when I came knocking, so I decided I’d give you some space. We were spending a lot of time with one another and I knew you needed more time to yourself and others.

A month went by and I never heard from you. I knew you had a big test for finals and I knew what day it was on so I decided to come over the night before and give you some good luck treats. To my surprise you looked like a completely different person. I hardly recognized the new you. You were glowing in the face. But when you opened the door, you looked at me with the mean face I always gave you and others. You yelled at me while I stood awkwardly at your door step. You told me to never come back again. You said I was a bad influence and that all along I was not helping you at all, I was only hurting you. You slammed the door in my face and that was the last day I ever heard from you. It's  been a few years now and I still pass by you from time to time at the grocery store. We stare at one another, knowing that we were once great friends, but we keep on walking as if we were strangers all along. 

I see you are doing well now. You are helping other people get over the relationship that you were once in. It hurts my feelings a little because I know how good I can be at times, but I overhear you telling others how horrible I can be and that I should only be around in small amounts, like in these little things called “fruits.” My presence is dangerous and you tell them that you don’t want them to end up in a relationship like you were once in.

Even though we don’t associate with one another anymore, I am proud of you for letting me go. I admit that I am dangerous and abuse others physically and emotionally. I’m no good for anybody. I am the worst addiction for most people today; worse than my friends Al (Alcohol) and Coco (Cocaine). I wish you well in your future life and I hope you keep on inspiring others to find healthier replacements than me. I don’t deserve to have as many friends as I do.

​Sincerely,

Sugar

 

............. 

For years I carried an extra weight. Not the weight that is measured in pounds (though I could afford to lose some of those too), but there was an emotional weight that I had carried for far too long. I had my focus on the wrong weight all along. The extra weight that is measured in pounds was from the weight I carried in emotions. I never understood how I could lose the physical weight but still feel heavier than ever before. 

I hid behind my addiction to food and my eating disorder for many years. I hid it so well I sometimes had myself fooled as if I were healthy and well. A few years ago I wrote that letter to myself from my abuser; Sugar. Sugar had me wrapped around its finger. But Sugar was never the real problem in my struggle to lose weight. There was something deeper that I was struggling with. Sugar knew how to make me feel good. I felt loved to a certain degree. But there was this hole in my heart that no loved one could fill and no piece of chocolate could ever satisfy. The hole was empty, but it was still so heavy. It weighed me down emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

All that time I was struggling with that weight, while He was up there patiently looking at me in wait. I'm sure it had to hurt Him more that He had to wait so long for me to lose the weight knowing all I had to do was ask Him for help and believe that He could help. When I finally let Him take away the emotional weight and I let him into that empty hole in my heart, I never felt heavy again. The longer I waited, the more I felt weighted. 

I think addiction is related to the desire to feel loved; at least it was for me. We have a misconception of love; for it is not a feeling, it is a choice. We feel happy when someone loves us, or we feel sad when someone doesn't love us. But we cannof feel loved or unloved; love is not a feeling. My addiction to food came with the desire to be loved. I had loved ones support me all along in my life, but not a single person filled me up the way my heart was seeking. I guess that's why God left me to feel so empty, because He knew I'd eventually need His love in that space in my heart. Before Him, I was okay with struggling on my own, fighting battles on my own, trying to find happiness on my own, surviving life on my own, but doing it all on my own was hard, it was burdening, and it was heavy. Knowing that His love and His love alone could take away that weight that made me feel so heavy was a choice I decided to make every day upon waking up. I choose His love because it has made fighting addiction, finding happiness, and surviving life a lot easier knowing He's there to help me and take away some of that weight.

I've been able to help so many people in this health and wellness industry because I share my experiences; not because I have good advice on working out and eating well. Those experiences have helped many people. My experiences have given others hope and they've given others a sense of direction. So if you're fighting a battle that you can't seem to win, let Him take over. I wasn't sure I'd ever win against my addiction to sugar, but with God's love I did. God has carried me through the lowest of lowest and has allowed me to experience the highest of highs. If He can do that for me, He can do that for you. And make sure you ask yourself is it the weight, or is it the wait, that is holding you back. 

At my heaviest (aside from pregnancy). What a coincidence, a drink in hand! 

One of my highest of highs: My baptism day, 10/12/14.

Post Pregnancy Pampering

     Ok, so prior to baby I always did my hair, finger nails, pedicure, and makeup...post baby....well, let's just say the hair and makeup are still being done, but the toes, honey, the toes are just happy it's winter, and the nails, well, they needed a breather, or at least that's what I am telling myself. It is truly insane how much our lives change as moms. Everyone told me it would happen, but I shrugged it off thinking there would be time for everything.
     Here I am, with my son being a few short weeks away from turning one, and I am finally thinking I can find the time to pamper myself again. I never imagined I would walk out of the house without my nails done. In fact I was known for always having a great manicure, and having done them myself, I was proud of that. I jokingly tell friends and family that I replaced nail polish and cuticle oil for diaper rash cream which can currently be detected in my nail beds.
     For awhile I just didn't feel very pretty. The sleepless nights, unkept self, yoga pants around the clock, hair in a bun, all just started to get to me. I didn't feel like a "girl", but I sure as hell felt like a mom, and that isn't a bad thing. As the days rolled into weeks, and weeks into months, my son reminded me what was really important, and that's unconditional love. I realized hey, he doesn't care if my nails are done, if I'm wearing the latest fashion trend, or if I have on mascara and lip gloss (he hates it on his cheeks BTW). He loves me NO MATTER WHAT. He is just as excited to see mommy first thing in the morning when I'm looking like a hot mess, or later in the day when I have managed to somewhat get myself together, and it's amazing. He makes me feel like the most wanted person on the planet.
     Nothing compares to the way he lights up when he sees me, and there is no feeling in the world like the one I get when he walks to me with so much excitement he's practically running and his arms are in the air and the smile is from ear to ear! It's easier now that he is getting older and all of us are sleeping. I know eventually I will get my sexy back, and the hair and nails will prevail, but until then, I am relishing in the moments of pure happiness he gives me and there is no better feeling than to be loved for exactly who you are.
     My son is a constant reminder of what is most important in life and that's LOVE. The best kind of love there is. So don't worry fellow mommies, guardians, and caregivers...I always remind everyone that these moments pass in a flash, and it won't always be this way, so if you've got the time for the pampering go ahead and pamper away, and if you don't, well, don't worry, you will one day soon, and until then just remember what matters...In the words of The Beatles... All You Need Is Love.

Why God Gave Us Girlfriends In Life

One of the main differences between man and woman besides our reproductive make up, is that women compare themselves to one another's looks and men compare themselves to one another's success. If you're a female reading this, you can't tell me you haven't looked at another female and said a degrading comment in your head to yourself about her. You're lying if you said you haven't. We're not perfect human beings, therefore we sometimes say and think imperfect things. 

Two years ago I attended my church women's retreat and I learned a very valuable tool that has helped me to form better and healthier female relationships. I used to be one that thought I got along with men more than women because men were less drama. But is a man ever going to fully comprehend me? No. Is a man going to sit there and listen to me when I need to vent and really listen wholeheartedly? No. Is a man going to understand my pain when it's that time of the month or understand all the highs and lows of pregnancy? No. A man will never be able to fully understand a woman, and vice versa. So why did I ever think that my relationships with men were ever better for me than my relationships with females? Well, part of me always had a problem with my female relationships and the extent to which I allowed myself to fully unveil who I was in those relationships because women compare themselves to one another. We judge one another. We butt heads with one another. Why? Because we are actually all very much alike. Tell us not to eat fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and we will still have this lingering desire to want to eat that fruit because gosh darn it, it's all Eve's fault. It started with Eve and now here we are today; nosey and trying to understand things that aren't for our understanding and getting into trouble because we do things we aren't supposed to do. ALL women are similarly programmed, but we make sure as hell that we are unique, special, and stand out from one another because we want more attention than the person sitting next to us. So that, that right there, is exactly why I've always had problems getting closer to women, because we are so much alike that I sometimes can't stand to be around someone that resembles me in the way I think and act. It's annoying, it's too much to handle. So having a conversation with an emotion-less man and drinking a beer while watching some football on television sometimes sounds like a better option than to call up a girlfriend and vent about what's going on in my day. Even though that's exactly what I probably need.

Two years ago I learned at my women's retreat, which was intended to empower women, build up women and encourage togetherness amongst women, that if you don't have good-healthy female relationships, then something is wrong with YOU. Not with that other woman, but with YOU! When I heard that I was like, "Nah, they got this all wrong, I'm the most laid back chick on the planet, there's nothing wrong with me, it's these other drama mamas that I need to look out for." But then I kept listening and the more I listened, the more it sunk in that, yes, it's pretty important to get along with my female frenzies. Why? Because we are alike, we're all sisters 1000x removed, we truly DO understand one another, we can empathize for one another and we need to build one another up. And then I realized that I really needed to look deep inside of me and figure why I had such a hard time building deep relationships with women. It was revealed to me that I did play the lead role in my lack of deep girl friendships. A lot of it stemmed from personal insecurities; which I've diligently been working on over the last few years. But come on, what woman doesn't have an insecurity about herself?

Those insecurities made me feel imperfect, unlikeable, and unattractive at times and so I didn't bother connecting with other women on a deep level for the fear that those insecurities would balloon up if I share them or compared them to that other woman. That's all I needed was to be consumed even more so by those nagging insecurities that try to take me down every, single, day. But that's where I was all wrong. Women get me. Men never truly will. Even my love, I love him oh so dearly and as much as he tries to understand me, he will never completely understand me. And that's okay, he's not supposed to. But my sistas, I need you! And you need me. 

I need you to build me up when I am down. I need you to compliment me when I'm feeling not so pretty. I need you to support me when I go after my dreams and passions. I need your congratulations when I do something worth congratulating. I don't need your talk behind my back. I don't need your eyes staring up and down and judging me. I don't need your selflessness. I don't need any of that. I give enough of that to myself. And I'll be damned sure to give all of those things right back to you. Because I know you desperately need them too.

We as women have a constant desire to need to be loved. Why? Because God made us that way. Men were made from soil (S-O-I-L) and women were made from the soul (S-O-U-L...or the rib). Therefore, men are more surface like, they only really get dirt deep in their understanding of one another. Women aspire to connect deep to one another's soul. It's why we always want to feel our men loving us deeply when now you know, they just aren't wired that way. Doesn't mean they can't or won't love you deeply, they just won't love you the same way another girlfriend will love and understand you. So connecting with women and understanding one another is important( it's what we were made to do. We need less tearing one another apart and more building one another up.

I've never relied on my girlfriends more than I have now when I became a mother. I've never felt the need to be understood like I have since I've been a mother. No one but a mother will understand and extend the grace when you go an ENTIRE day without getting anything done for yourself or with the house because you've spent the ENTIRE day taking care of your child(ren). Not because you wanted to love on them and make an excuse for not getting anything done, but because they physically needed every second of your attention. It was one of those days.... Husband will try and understand you when he comes home and sees the mess. Your not yet mothery friends will try and understand that you met them for coffee looking like a bum and they are all dressed cute in their leggings, Hunter boots, hippie earrings and perfectly groomed top bun. They will try and understand the fact that you are tired, in need of a shower and in need of alone time but you still made time for them. Yep, they will really try, because they are your girlfriends. And husband will really try and understand the unwashed dishes, the unmade bed and the toys all over because he loves you so much for taking care of his child(ren). But other mothers, they get me. They know what I'm really thinking.

As we grow in life and circumstances change, our friendships change. We tend to surround ourselves around likeminded people because trying to fit in with people that aren't like you is sometimes exhausting. It's not that I am no longer friends with all the friends I've ever known throughout my life, no, I still make an effort to get together with my ever so unique and different from me friends because I love them. But over time I found myself hanging out more with my motherly friends, my church going and gym going friends because they just get me right now at this time in my life. My life will change, circumstances will change and my friendships will change. It's important for me to make as many friends as I can. That's what we're really here on earth to do; to connect with one another, to love one another. 

So to all my gal pals; I appreciate you, I love you, I think you're beautiful, smart, and I know you're going to go big places and do big things. Thank you for your empathy, your realness and rawness. Thank you for making the effort to connect deeply with me because you may not have known it in that moment, but I needed our deep girl talk that day. I needed to vent. I needed your understanding. 

My life and my relationships have really transpired over the years and there's a unique beauty about them both. Unique is a nicer way of saying messy in my mind. There's a messy-beauty about my life and relationships. To me, that's called balance. And I'm all about that balance. I need some more yin for all my yang. We as women need more balance, we need more friendships with one another. So from this day forth, make a pact with yourself that you will no longer tear down another woman for her beauty or for her success, but agree to build her up, compliment her and encourage her. Make a pact with yourself that you'll start working on your personal insecurities. Remember, the more you love yourself, the more you'll love others. If you find yourself having very few girlfriends, take a look at yourself. It's not healthy to have little friendships with your female sisters from other misters. Remember, you were made to connect with one another.....as hard as it may seem to do at times.

I wrote this because I was inspired by a friend of mine. She may not see herself as a friend of mine, maybe more of just an acquaintance. We've shared some deep and personal things with one another before, but there's still something not clicking on our relationship (which is non-existent right now). Without ever asking her directly, I get the impression that she has a hard time liking me for whatever reason(s) they might be. I'm a pretty brutally honest person at times. I come off sounding like a positive patty majority of the time and maybe she just wants me to be a negative nancy at times? I may have gone places she wanted to go? Or had things she once wanted? Whatever the reason, I'm just assuming, and my assumptions were based off of talk. Gossip. Ugh, such a crappy word. We all do it though. But through gossip, I heard that it didn't sit with her well that I was promoted in an area of my life where she wasn't. Had it been the first time I heard gossip coming from her, I wouldn't question it, but this is a reoccurring beef. I have something to say to that friend of mine. If she's reading this (which I hope both that she is and that she isn't), then I need her to know something. I need YOU to know something.

I get you. I know your pain and where it all came from. You shared it with me once. I see you and I know your desires. I can be a good friend to you and I can help you. My intentions were never to hurt you. Or to gloat in my successes. I've never done any of that (which you already know). I'm not sure what it is that bothers you about me, but you know parts of me too. You know I've been through pain, you know I've had my failures (still do), and you know I have my insecurities. It hurts me to hear you aren't happy for me. One door opened for me and one closed for you. That door that closed was to redirect you in the path that your Heavenly Father has set out for you. I'm not competing against you, I'm here to encourage you in your journey. I'm going after the things in life God set out for me; I suggest you do the same. Worry less about me and more about the plans He has for you. Worry won't get you anywhere; trust me, tried it. I believe in you, I care for you, I think you're going to do great in life. I think you're smart, beautiful and full of talents and gifts that this world needs more of. Best of luck in your future endeavors. And I mean that sincerely from the bottom of my heart.

We all have that girl friend or have had that girl friend where we've experienced the same situation. Well, I encourage you to be a better woman than me and instead of hiding behind the page and saying it indirectly to her, reach out to her and tell her how you feel (in your nicest and most sincere voice ever). Because we as women will search for that one word that has that tone in your voice that may suggest you aren't being sincere. It's the way we were wired ladies. Nothing we can do about it. 

Let's encourage togetherness, healthy friendships and empowering one another. We need stronger, healthier (inside and out) women in this world. We make the world go round because we are the soul connectors. Get out there and make some friends, ladies!

Your Friend,

Liz

He Gives for Everything He Takes Away

Loss can never truly be empathized until you've experienced it for yourself. Prayers, sympathies, and condolences are all the ways we send our thoughts that we understand what one another is going through. But we don't know the severity of that persons loss until we feel it for ourselves; unfortunately. Time allows us to heal from loss. So we may have experienced loss over and over again, but each time we heal from what has been taken away. Only until the next time it happens again and we are reminded of what that open wound feels like. Today I was reminded of what that loss feels like. We lost a good one. My aunt, my mom's sister, has left to go on to her eternal home.

It's not until loss that we connect with one another as family and friends like never before. It's not until loss that we plead for God's grace and mercy like no other. Loss; it hurts so very much. We are surrounded by family and friends when we lose a loved one, and at the same time, we feel emptier than ever before. It's not the same kind of gathering like Christmas where family and friends are gathered and we celebrate the life of Jesus. No, we mourn as we gather together. But we need to celebrate. Life has just begun for those we lost. Eternal life that is. The life a lot of us all strive to make it to one day. 

You see, we aren't promised a single minute of breathing air on this planet. Life can be taken in the blink of an eye; literally. So the air you are breathing now, thank and praise the Lord that He still believes in you for giving you another breath, another minute, another day. When we know and understand this, we understand that loss is a part of life. We are meant to feel this emotion. Of course it's never easy. And of course we fear the loss of our loved ones. We're human, and humans are allowed to feel and fear at times. But I know, especially in the presence of loss, that the good Lord is wanting our attention more than ever. 

He does not take away to upset you, He takes away what He gave in the first place. We are His. And He is equally ours. He is ours to know and love. So what is it that He wants us to know about loss? The books says "Naked I came from my mothers womb, and naked I shall return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."- Job 1:20-21.

So in the book of Job, He tells us in His word that we should equally rejoice when He takes away. Life is meant to celebrate at both birth and death. When it hurts, that's Satan's little reminder that he still exists too. He wants to remind you that your blessing has been taken away. And God allowed Satan to do this because God wanted to see if we would worship the Blessing or the Bless-er more. So pain and loss are normal to feel. And we WILL feel the pain. But now is the time to turn our attention to the Bless-er and praise Him for the Blessing; even if He did come to take back what He gave. 

When Lincoln was born, I truly grasped that special love that only exists when your child comes from the womb. There's all kinds of love, but that one in particular is a super special kind of love. One day, Lincoln will be old and grown himself and life will come to an end for He too. Of course I don't like to think about that. I want to enjoy every moment in between that time. But maybe to help us better deal with loss, we can look at what God gives us when He takes away. 

My Aunt was a blessing to anyone and everyone that met her. God gave us all the blessing of Bonnie Sue Joyner. For my mom in particular, He knew she'd be taking this very hard, but Mom has the every day reminder that God always gives back more than He takes, and she is reminded of that every time she sees her grandson. Lincoln is the newest generation our family has had in 15 years. There's a reason God chose him to enter the world at this specific time in all our lives. We needed him now more than ever. We needed a reminder that life is always something to celebrate; whether coming or going. 

That emptiness that we feel in the moment of loss is meant to be filled. Some people will keep on going, day after day and continue to feel that emptiness, searching for ways to fill it with "fillers" that will never truly fulfill them. That emptiness is God knocking at your door. Allow Him to come in and shine His light where you are dark. He will fill you up more than anyone or anything. He is able to remind me of all the good times I had with my aunt, rather than remember the suffering she went through on her way to her eternal home. He is able to put words in my heart to help in the grieving process that my immediate family members are going through. He is a mighty God and He is never to be underestimated as to what He can fix and what He can heal. 

Today, I lift up and celebrate the life of my beautiful aunt, whom was also a beautiful mother, wife, sister and friend. May your soul rest peacefully as you enter the gates of heaven. Lincoln, Ryan, and I love you and miss you so very dearly. We hope to one day see you again. In the meantime, keep on spreading your love by sharing your wonderful and tasty pasta dishes with all those up above. I know Grandma Hazel and Grandpa John were anxiously awaiting their plate of spaghetti on this day when they found out you were coming home. Thank you for adding another angel to the many we have above. We love you.

In the Blink of an Eye

Yesterday was an amazing day...My son had the first day of the last month of his first year of life as he turned 11 months old. As I stuck his numbered sticker on his outfit to capture the moment in a photo it hit me how much he has grown and changed in what is truly such a short time in life.

I have always loved babies; their cuteness, their smell, how cuddly they are, everything about them, but nothing compares to the love I have for my own baby. I am blown away by the way babies grow and develop so much in their first year of life! There is no other point in our lives where we experience such dramatic growth and change in a year's time. It is truly wondrous to watch him as he makes new discoveries and tries to figure things out; I am in love with it.

Thinking back to my pregnancy and to the day he was born, like many moms before me, I wondered if I would be a good mom, if I could handle it all, if it would change me? I would have to answer yes, to all of those questions. Even with all of the ups and downs and learning curves, I think I'm doing great, and every time I look at my son I reaffirm that to myself. It's important to remind yourself that you are a great mom because you will question yourself a million times over, and its ok.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter how fast your baby walks, talks, crawls, whatever. He or she will get their when it is their time to get there, and all I can tell you is don't rush it. I see now how quickly time really flies. I remember holding my new born and he was so tiny, now his body stretches across my lap and its a wonder he was in my belly 11 months ago! I miss that little new born, but I love my little buddy. It's a constant pull at my heartstrings...the nostalgia and living in the moment.

We are so fortunate in this day and age to have cameras on hand constantly. We can capture so much and go back and look at it when ever we want! I love to watch the videos from when he was a new born...the best part is, he likes to watch them with me now too :-) You may not listen to this message now, but if it is at all possible, stop what you're doing, swoop up your son(s) or daughter(s), hug them close, breath them in, and be in that moment because they are in the past in the blink of an eye.

Loving Your Stretch Marks

I never felt more insecure about my body than I did the day I saw those ugly, red stretch marks show up on my body. They were on the back of my legs, underneath both buttocks. They were on each side of my hips. And my breasts looked like a road map with each line representing a new street. I was petrified to see them. I cried like a little girl when I first saw them. "They will never go away" I thought. How could my man be attracted to my body with all its remaining cellulite, stretch marks, and veiny boobs? I could barely look at myself, let alone how could anyone else find me attractive underneath all my clothes? 

Swimsuit season will be arriving and they are still more present than ever.Those everyday reminders of my journey of pregnancy with Lincoln. I used to hate them, but I've grown to love and accept them. Instead of demeaning myself for the way my body morphed as I created a human being, I began to embrace my body. I am 3 months postpartum and slowly getting some shape back to my body. It feels good to have a firm abdomen and firm buttocks. But I realize it takes time to get there. It took 9 whole months to stretch my body to make enough room for little man. It's easy to get down on yourself for the way you look though. 

Loving myself has always been a challenge. I have so much more to offer the world and those in it aside from my looks, but I have let my image define my happiness so much. There are so many underlying reasons as to why I have struggled with loving myself deeply beyond the outer image I see in the mirror every day. But I was able to overcome my issues with self-love and body image and love my body for its stretch marks, veiny breasts and remaining cellulite. All I had to do was attach a meaning to them. Just like the tattoos that I purposely had embedded onto my skin to which they have their special meanings. But these tattoos (these stretch marks) were a gift! It was the cheapest tattoo I ever had to pay for; they were free! 

Those stretch marks reminded me of the moments where I had to slow down, rest often, eat well, and nurture my body because I had a human to grow inside of me. Those stretch marks will forever be a reminder of my little warrior that gave me a purpose in life. Those stretch marks were my bodies way of making room for Lincoln to grow to a healthy size inside of me. Those stretch marks are truly the only thing I have left of him still being a part of me after he entered this world to be on his own. 

It took me awhile to embrace my journey of pregnancy. Surprisingly, the bigger my belly grew, the more I fell in love with the journey. I knew the closest I'd ever be to my son was when he was nestled inside of me. That connection is so surreal. I wish for all women that desire to be mothers, that they get to experience that connection. And I wish for all mothers that have stretch marks to embrace their "tattoos" too. 

One day I will share these scars and this story with Lincoln. I will share with him how he gave me a tattoo of his love for life. I'm a lucky woman to have these stretch marks. Lincoln's daddy lets me know how much he loves and appreciates me for carrying his child. What more could I ask for? A man that embraces those marks more than I did myself, is a man that truly appreciates Gods miracle of life and the process of bringing life into the world. 

So those scars you have, learn to love them. They tell a story of your journey. They remind you of all the hard work you went through to bring life into the world. Children are God's way of telling us that he still believes in us. So those marks are another reminder that God believes in you. He entrusted you to carry his child and bring him/her into this world. What a gift. Embrace those "tattoos". You were especially chosen to have them.