Baby Number Two ???

             

              To have another baby, or not to have another baby??? Is it just me, or has the first child not even left the womb and everyone already wants to know, “Are you having another one?”. I swear this all starts when we are in high school. You’re a freshman and everyone is like, “Are you going to college?”. You’re like, hello, I’m 14, I can’t decide if I’m too old for fruit loops or too young for a protein shake. Then it’s “when are you going to settle down”, followed by “when are you going to get married”, followed by “when are you going to have a baby”, followed by “when are you going to have more babies”, followed by “what is your blood type, social security number, and yearly salary”…. I admit I am probably guilty of asking one, or all of these questions to someone at some point, and I hate it because it sometimes seems to make people feel bad for the kind of life they might be living in that moment.

                For me, the question of are you having another baby was a question I dreaded because I know deeeeep down that I want another baby, but mentally wrapping my head around it is a whole other story. So….when people ask me it brings on this flood of feelings and thoughts that would likely crush them if I could somehow manifest the thoughts into an object and answer them honestly. I realize it isn’t so much the question, but the intention behind the question that really gets to me. For instance, some people ask if you’re going to college like it’s a bad thing if you say no. The same applies to the “are you having a second baby question”, as if deciding to have only one child is the be all end all most terrible thing you could do.

                Here is the out loud answer for me: Do I want to have a second baby? Yes. Can I have a second baby? I hope so. Are you going to have a second baby? I would like to.

                Aaaannnd here is the reality: Do you want to have a second baby? Yes, BUT…..Can you have a second baby? I hope so, BUT…..Are you going to have a second baby? I would like to, BUT…..and the Buts are the uncomfortable part of the conversation because in the but (if you will) is the lengthy list of concerns, worries, and anxiety that the thought of having a second child brings about in my crazy mind. Would it be great to have a second baby? Of course it would, but this Moming thing ain’t easy and it’s terrifying and gratifying all at the same time to even think about it. Can we afford another baby, will I ever sleep again, can I handle it, can my husband handle it, can the dam dog handle it, is our house big enough, is our car safe enough, what the hell is going to happen to my body this time, is my pregnancy going to suck again, is my delivery going to be a nightmare again, who is going to be the next president, did I eat breakfast today, when did I wash my hair last….and the list goes on, and On and ONNNNNNN…but at the end of the day….drum roll please, Ryan and I have decided to try for another baby….yikes.

                With all my worries, doubts, anxiety, demanding job, bits of insomnia, migraines (shout out to Young Living Essential Oils for saving my life and helping me sleep better and reduce my migraines), blab la blablaaaa, we are going to try to have another baby…I realize that if I can’t make up my mind, then I know for sure I must want another baby because if I was dead against it then it wouldn’t be a topic of conversation, and I would be on birth control STAT. I also realize I get upset with people for asking because of my own internal struggle with it. I am a worry wart and I can’t stand the enormous amount of worry that comes with my answers. Truth be told, I’m probably never going to “be ready” to have another baby, but I know this much, for me and Ryan we want our children to be close in age. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with spacing out your children, but I am talking about me right now and what I feel will work best for me and my family, and with that being said, I’m already probably a few months behind…but hey, it’s our schedule after all.

                Again, I will never be ready, I will never have enough money (what’s enough money anyway?), my house will never be big enough, and my car will probably not be safe enough, but here’s what I do know…I will continue to be a kick ass mom. I will make mistakes along the way and I will learn from them. I will love my babies with every bit of myself. I will go through periods of embarrassment when my future children throw horrible tantrums in public. I will sacrifice and do what ever I have to do to make it because that’s just what you do, and that is what finally gave me the courage (yes, courage) to decide to go for baby number two. It’s going to be really hard, I will probably cry on a daily basis, I will probably beg for 5 minutes alone, or 30 more minutes of sleep, but I will get by because I will have even more reasons to continue to do so.

                Flash back to when I was single, making great money, partying, traveling, living above the Hudson River in Weehawken, NJ (gotta plug Jersey), eating out all the time, shopping relentlessly (who needs a retirement fund when there’s shoes to be bought), going to yoga, chatting on the phone, hitting up happy hours, doing what ever the hell I wanted, I didn’t see babies and marriage in my future, marriage, maybe, but babies, no. I was having a great time and loving life, but who am I kidding, just over two years ago I was still dancing on speakers…yikes, it’s true. That life seems soooo far away right now as I’m picking up oversized blocks, washing bottle parts, singing Sophia the First, and Mickey Mouse Club House, and covering up the dark circles under my eyes, and it really is all good. I don’t regret a single thing because it’s all part of what makes me who I am, and I still surprise myself sometimes. I remember telling my grandmother I was getting married, I thought she was going to have a heart attack. My little old Italian Nonna, even with her dementia she remembered believing I would never get married. Forget it when I told her I was pregnant, that announcement landed her in a nursing home, probably a coincidence, but I like to believe it was the shock of me having a child that put her over the edge and some days I want to admit myself as her roommate (her cooking is killer).

Wrapping it up…One day when my kid(s) are grown, I am going to tell them all (or just some) of my crazy stories… like that time I drank champagne with P Diddy, and I’ll feel super cool and they’ll look at me like who’s P Diddy? Then I’ll tell them that for me, the greatest, craziest, most emotional, most rewarding journey of all is parenthood. The memories will be endless, the laughs will be plenty, the tears, trials, tribulations, bumps, bruises, weight gain, weight loss, weight gain again, yelling, timeouts, tantrums, diapers, hugs, kisses, holidays, all of it, will be great, and I’m only in the beginning stages…the best is yet to come…it’s baby making time!