Planning for My Marriage

I was never the girl who dreamed of her wedding day, or the one who had a shoe box stored under her bed full of magazine cutouts and snippets of fabric that symbolized her colors and decor. I never gave Ryan an ultimatum or a deadline on when he "had to propose or else I'd move on". I never told him what ring I wanted to wear. I never even told him my ring size. We never really talked about the wedding, but marriage was frequently brought up. 

There comes a point in a woman's life where she evaluates her life and where she's at. Society forces us to evaluate our lives around the ages of 22-28. If we aren't married, thinking about marriage, if we don't have a good career, or if we aren't already having kids, then we're behind. I honestly never saw myself in this life I have right now; a business owner, a mother to a beautiful boy and a soon to be wife to an amazing man. I tend to be one that strays from society and all of its gimmicks. I hate seeing how people literally waste precious time with their friends and families while on technology. 4 out of 5 of the girls I surround myself with are all wearing the same clothes from the same chain store. I'd be the one with the outfit from the boutique store down in Alabama (this is an exaggeration, but I don't like having the same style everyone else has). I'm very outgoing, but an extreme introvert at heart. Instead of talking about The Real Housewives or The Kardashians, I want to talk about books like those from John Maxwell or Joel Osteen. But no one ever talks about books like that. Or at least in my group of friends. And sometimes I just want to sit in a room or outdoors by myself and just stare into space and get my creativity going so I can draw a beautiful picture. I like to draw, but society has forced me to believe I'm wasting my time if I'm not crossing things off my to do list. So I don't draw enough, and I don't write enough. In reality, I'm not maximizing the gifts God gave me. But one thing I know I did right, was choosing to do life with Ryan. At 26, almost 27 years of age, I know this is the right life for me. And whether I believed that initially, I know my life would not be going in the direction it is now if it wasn't for my child and my husband. 

My wardrobe, my cell phone, and my to-do list may never keep up with society, but my marriage never has to and that's the beauty of a marriage. I have friends who've I've witnessed firsthand stressing about the details of their wedding day. I get it, you are entertaining guests and want to make sure they have a wonderful experience at your "perfect day". But it oftentimes leaves them feeling disappointed if things don't go the way they planned it to be. I too hope my guests are pleased, but at the end of the day, that wedding day is about Ryan and I. I'm sorry if the chicken is too hard or the sides are original, but HELLLOO!! I'm about to say YES to FOREVER to this man and that's kind of a big deal!! Marriage is a big deal. It's a serious commitment (if you view it that way that is. Not everyone values a marriage and its covenant unfortunately). To my guests; I'm sorry if the music wasn't what you wanted to hear and the food wasn't all that great, I'll do my best to make sure both are legit, but please say a prayer for me, I'm about to embark on the biggest journey of my life and I need all the prayers I can get! 

I've overheard friends who've told me they picked out the ring that they wanted to wear, taking away the excitement of the special occasion. There's nothing wrong with a girl living out that once in a lifetime dream. But that's just not what I prefer. I'm the complete opposite. I want to be surprised everyday in my relationship. It keeps the lust in the love. If Ryan and I are running on lust alone, we're going to feel unloved quickly by one another. Lust is selfish, it's the desires we have in our heart to feel good from another persons actions of love towards us. But love is selfless. Love is a choice and its full of unfairness, bad decisions, forgiveness, cries, and disappointments. But love is also full of joy, peace, laughter, kindness, patience, and understanding. You don't get that stuff with lust. Lust will make you think it's time to move on to the next candidate for your spouse because he/she wasn't loving you enough. 

There have been many circumstances in my relationship where I had to choose to love Ryan. I had to choose to love him through disappointments and he had to choose to love me through disappointments. Ryan and I went through counseling and through a 4 month pre-marital class before even getting engaged. I would encourage everyone to go through some sort of counseling prior to engagement. You discover things about one another you may have never found out if it wasn't brought up in an intentional conversation. You learn tools on how to solve conflict with peace. You learn to not sweat the small stuff. You learn whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. Is this the person you want to wake up to everyday in bed with for the rest of your life? Is the person you want to make love with for the rest of your life? Is this the person you want to be the parent of your children? Is this the person you want to laugh with, cry with, and grow old with? Because if it's not, you can get out before you get too far in. Ryan and I took what we felt were good steps in getting to know one another before saying "yes" to one another for forever. I only want to do this marriage one time. Marriage is very sacred to me and I believe that if I'm loving God first and making Him my priority relationship, then Ryan will never feel shortchanged and he'll always feel fulfilled from my end. 

My dream is not to have a perfect wedding day, because I know perfect doesn't exist. Fairytale rarely exists. So having little expectations on that day will make for a wonderful day. But my dream is to have a lasting and fulfilling marriage. I already know what that looks like for me and I already know that's what life will be like for me. I want a marriage where I can serve God and serve others with my husband. 

There's a great purpose for Ryan and I being together. He's the first man I ever met that I wasn't attracted to first. I was actually turned off because I thought his good looks and his charm were just him picking another girl to "play". I had a horrible image of men for a long time due to some internal struggles of mine. So the thought of Ryan, whom as handsome as he is, choosing me was almost unreal at the time. But I didn't give myself enough credit because come to find out, I'm the perfect match for Ryan. I eventually saw his heart and knew his intentions were good. He was a genuine gentleman, whom later revealed his messy beautiful life with me and when he did, I knew we were meant to serve a purpose together. 

We're getting married August 13th of this year. My family from the south will be here up north for a memorial we are doing for my moms sister who passed away earlier this year. It was the perfect time to get married; having my closest family and friends there at the same time. I don't need 6 months or a year to plan anything. I don't have time to stress about decor or the dress. The day will be awesome because I get to say "I Do" to the most amazing gift God gave to me. Without Ryan, Lincoln would not be a part of my life. I can't thank God enough for these gifts He's given me. 

We were introduced about a year ago to this awesome book called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggrich. Reading it made total sense. It was the best "how to" book for those getting married or those who have been married and feel like things just aren't going the way they'd like them to be. A book married couples should read and include in their planning.

I am so excited to get to love and choose Mr. Ryan Mourice Hunter as his Mrs. Elizabeth Anne Hunter for the rest of our days together. August 13th, let's do this! 

Baby Number Two ???

             

              To have another baby, or not to have another baby??? Is it just me, or has the first child not even left the womb and everyone already wants to know, “Are you having another one?”. I swear this all starts when we are in high school. You’re a freshman and everyone is like, “Are you going to college?”. You’re like, hello, I’m 14, I can’t decide if I’m too old for fruit loops or too young for a protein shake. Then it’s “when are you going to settle down”, followed by “when are you going to get married”, followed by “when are you going to have a baby”, followed by “when are you going to have more babies”, followed by “what is your blood type, social security number, and yearly salary”…. I admit I am probably guilty of asking one, or all of these questions to someone at some point, and I hate it because it sometimes seems to make people feel bad for the kind of life they might be living in that moment.

                For me, the question of are you having another baby was a question I dreaded because I know deeeeep down that I want another baby, but mentally wrapping my head around it is a whole other story. So….when people ask me it brings on this flood of feelings and thoughts that would likely crush them if I could somehow manifest the thoughts into an object and answer them honestly. I realize it isn’t so much the question, but the intention behind the question that really gets to me. For instance, some people ask if you’re going to college like it’s a bad thing if you say no. The same applies to the “are you having a second baby question”, as if deciding to have only one child is the be all end all most terrible thing you could do.

                Here is the out loud answer for me: Do I want to have a second baby? Yes. Can I have a second baby? I hope so. Are you going to have a second baby? I would like to.

                Aaaannnd here is the reality: Do you want to have a second baby? Yes, BUT…..Can you have a second baby? I hope so, BUT…..Are you going to have a second baby? I would like to, BUT…..and the Buts are the uncomfortable part of the conversation because in the but (if you will) is the lengthy list of concerns, worries, and anxiety that the thought of having a second child brings about in my crazy mind. Would it be great to have a second baby? Of course it would, but this Moming thing ain’t easy and it’s terrifying and gratifying all at the same time to even think about it. Can we afford another baby, will I ever sleep again, can I handle it, can my husband handle it, can the dam dog handle it, is our house big enough, is our car safe enough, what the hell is going to happen to my body this time, is my pregnancy going to suck again, is my delivery going to be a nightmare again, who is going to be the next president, did I eat breakfast today, when did I wash my hair last….and the list goes on, and On and ONNNNNNN…but at the end of the day….drum roll please, Ryan and I have decided to try for another baby….yikes.

                With all my worries, doubts, anxiety, demanding job, bits of insomnia, migraines (shout out to Young Living Essential Oils for saving my life and helping me sleep better and reduce my migraines), blab la blablaaaa, we are going to try to have another baby…I realize that if I can’t make up my mind, then I know for sure I must want another baby because if I was dead against it then it wouldn’t be a topic of conversation, and I would be on birth control STAT. I also realize I get upset with people for asking because of my own internal struggle with it. I am a worry wart and I can’t stand the enormous amount of worry that comes with my answers. Truth be told, I’m probably never going to “be ready” to have another baby, but I know this much, for me and Ryan we want our children to be close in age. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with spacing out your children, but I am talking about me right now and what I feel will work best for me and my family, and with that being said, I’m already probably a few months behind…but hey, it’s our schedule after all.

                Again, I will never be ready, I will never have enough money (what’s enough money anyway?), my house will never be big enough, and my car will probably not be safe enough, but here’s what I do know…I will continue to be a kick ass mom. I will make mistakes along the way and I will learn from them. I will love my babies with every bit of myself. I will go through periods of embarrassment when my future children throw horrible tantrums in public. I will sacrifice and do what ever I have to do to make it because that’s just what you do, and that is what finally gave me the courage (yes, courage) to decide to go for baby number two. It’s going to be really hard, I will probably cry on a daily basis, I will probably beg for 5 minutes alone, or 30 more minutes of sleep, but I will get by because I will have even more reasons to continue to do so.

                Flash back to when I was single, making great money, partying, traveling, living above the Hudson River in Weehawken, NJ (gotta plug Jersey), eating out all the time, shopping relentlessly (who needs a retirement fund when there’s shoes to be bought), going to yoga, chatting on the phone, hitting up happy hours, doing what ever the hell I wanted, I didn’t see babies and marriage in my future, marriage, maybe, but babies, no. I was having a great time and loving life, but who am I kidding, just over two years ago I was still dancing on speakers…yikes, it’s true. That life seems soooo far away right now as I’m picking up oversized blocks, washing bottle parts, singing Sophia the First, and Mickey Mouse Club House, and covering up the dark circles under my eyes, and it really is all good. I don’t regret a single thing because it’s all part of what makes me who I am, and I still surprise myself sometimes. I remember telling my grandmother I was getting married, I thought she was going to have a heart attack. My little old Italian Nonna, even with her dementia she remembered believing I would never get married. Forget it when I told her I was pregnant, that announcement landed her in a nursing home, probably a coincidence, but I like to believe it was the shock of me having a child that put her over the edge and some days I want to admit myself as her roommate (her cooking is killer).

Wrapping it up…One day when my kid(s) are grown, I am going to tell them all (or just some) of my crazy stories… like that time I drank champagne with P Diddy, and I’ll feel super cool and they’ll look at me like who’s P Diddy? Then I’ll tell them that for me, the greatest, craziest, most emotional, most rewarding journey of all is parenthood. The memories will be endless, the laughs will be plenty, the tears, trials, tribulations, bumps, bruises, weight gain, weight loss, weight gain again, yelling, timeouts, tantrums, diapers, hugs, kisses, holidays, all of it, will be great, and I’m only in the beginning stages…the best is yet to come…it’s baby making time!

Start Dreaming Again

I've always loved Easter and the meaning of it. Easter egg hunts and baskets filled with goodies as a kid; nothing was better. The pastel rainbow color palette, spring weather, and the hope this season gives others has always been my favorite. Yesterday I got to share this favorite day of mine with my son and his beloved daddy. To share that favorite day with two of the most dearest people to my heart was an absolute treat.

Our church services are performed at 7:30 and 10:45am every Sunday. We usually get up to go to the 7:30am service because it means we get out of church earlier in the day and have more time to get other things done. But this morning daddy decided to let everyone sleep in. Which was another treat in itself. Not only did we sleep in, but we awoke to breakfast in bed. Lincoln a bottle, and I was greeted with sausage, eggs and French toast. Ryan loves to cook and he loves to surprise me so it was a win-win to start the day off.

We made it to second service where the church was jam packed. A great sight for Pastor, not so much for us. The air system was broken and it was a hot and sweaty service, which sometimes makes it hard to focus on the sermon when you're constantly fanning yourself to keep cool. Add a baby in the mix, constantly worried on their body temperature, if they are going to belt out a loud cry, and whether or not they are hungry, church gets a little hotter with all that fidgeting.

Service was great, the message was great, the choir and dance ministries were great. I love our church and everything that goes in to making each service unique and entertaining. Lincoln slept the entire time so that took away our worries of being those newbie parents during the service that struggle to calm their kid down. Pastor talked about "Dreaming Again" and I thought I'd share parts of his sermon. 

The last year and a half of my life came with many trials. There were many bumps and bruises to my ego, my heart, and my overall happiness. You know the saying that says bad things come in threes? Well, it was like bad things come in tens for me. It seemed to be one thing after the next, or at least that's how I began to look at everything.

When one bad circumstance approached in my life, I had a hard time letting it go. I'd carry it with me for a long time and before you know it, something else would come up that would set me back. Instead of looking at everything as lessons learned, I saw life as unfair. I had a horrible outlook on everything. I didn't enjoy my pregnancy until the very end. Any problems that were arising in my relationship I thought were enough to make he or I want to flee from one another. When business would get slow, I'd worry about every bill and how it was going to get paid. I worried a lot about things that weren't meant for me to worry about. I had a negative view on some of my life's most important lessons. It's easy to do what I did. What's hard is focusing on the positive, having faith and hope that everything will work out for my own good, and just trusting His future for me. 

A month ago I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I finally decided to talk to my doctor about everything I had been feeling from negativity, to sadness, to worry. I took a simple test, talked to her and before I knew it she was giving me information on postpartum and talking to me about possible medications to begin. 

She was still talking as I was thinking to myself, "I went through all of this to find out that I was the problem all along?" I had to go on medication. I had to seek therapy. Now I was just even more furious. "Where were you God in that moment?" I thought to myself. He was right there all along though, every single moment; He never left. But He was waiting for me to see Him instead of always seeing the worst in every situation.

I went through a spiritual warfare, a financial warfare, a relationship warfare, an identity warfare. My entire life was changing for what I once thought was the worst. But in church today, I was reminded that it's okay to dream again about life being good. This Easter weekend I was reminded of the greatest gift Jesus gave to me; himself.

I have never not been able to pay a bill. We are still in business and running smoothly. Our relationship has overcome some major obstacles and we are a team now looking out for one another rather than ourselves only. I truly believe it was necessary for us to learn some lessons before we could ever think about the commitment of marriage. We are about to finish our pre marital class in the next week. We survived! Which makes us one step closer to that commitment and that blessing from God. I may not have enjoyed pregnancy, but I gave birth to a healthy baby boy who is now almost five months and has brought an unimaginable amount of joy to my life. I may have been diagnosed with some postpartum, but instead of talking about what God wasn't doing for me, I began talking about what he has done for me and what he will do for me. 

To dream again for me, means that no matter the struggle or how long the storm may last, I know that I have a God that will carry me through. My struggle seemed like it was never going to end, but instead of focusing on everything that has happened that had gone wrong, I needed to shift that perspective and focus on how far I had come and begin talking about the blessings He has in store for me. I needed to start dreaming again. 

Eventually you can talk yourself into a life of turmoil. Your words can be spoken into existence. If you focus on the lack of finances, the relationship issues, your bad health, your diagnosis, and your unfair cards that you felt were dealt to you, that's the life you're going to live. But if you talk about how you've never been without when it comes to money, that your spouse is still there with you at the end of the day, that you are still breathing upon waking everyday no matter your diagnosis, then you are going to view your life a bit more positively. 

 So no matter your situation or circumstance, I challenge you to find at least one positive thing about that situation. Lost a loved one? Just think of how they are no longer suffering and how good of hands they are in now. Late on paying a bill? Just remind yourself that you still have a home, with food to eat, a bed to lay in at night, and clothes to keep you warm. Had an argument with your significant other? Just remind yourself of how conflict can present an opportunity. Refrain from shouting in anger. You have the opportunity to listen, to grow in your relationship and better your communication when an argument, or disagreement rather, presents itself. 

However wrong things seem to be going, start dreaming again. Start thinking of how far you've come and what is in store for you. The shift in your perspective will literally shift your life. Ever gone to church and heard a message or read something in a book and told yourself you needed to hear that right at that time? That's how yesterday was for me. And it was the perfect message for the day. 

Not even death could hold Jesus down. He rose from death and shared with others that nothing was going to hold him down. And if we believed in that and in him, then we'd also realize that nothing can hold us down either. He gave his life for me, for us, and because He did that, I don't have to worry about all the things that could go wrong. All I have to do is remind myself that everything is going to be okay. I have to believe in the good.

 Whatever you are going through, don't let it hold you down. Speak life into your words and start dreaming again. And if you want to hear the awesome message for yourself, just go to www.newsalemcares.com and click on the sermon tab where you'll find all Pastor Troy's good ole motivation. 

Hoping your week is filled with dreams again! 

He Gives for Everything He Takes Away

Loss can never truly be empathized until you've experienced it for yourself. Prayers, sympathies, and condolences are all the ways we send our thoughts that we understand what one another is going through. But we don't know the severity of that persons loss until we feel it for ourselves; unfortunately. Time allows us to heal from loss. So we may have experienced loss over and over again, but each time we heal from what has been taken away. Only until the next time it happens again and we are reminded of what that open wound feels like. Today I was reminded of what that loss feels like. We lost a good one. My aunt, my mom's sister, has left to go on to her eternal home.

It's not until loss that we connect with one another as family and friends like never before. It's not until loss that we plead for God's grace and mercy like no other. Loss; it hurts so very much. We are surrounded by family and friends when we lose a loved one, and at the same time, we feel emptier than ever before. It's not the same kind of gathering like Christmas where family and friends are gathered and we celebrate the life of Jesus. No, we mourn as we gather together. But we need to celebrate. Life has just begun for those we lost. Eternal life that is. The life a lot of us all strive to make it to one day. 

You see, we aren't promised a single minute of breathing air on this planet. Life can be taken in the blink of an eye; literally. So the air you are breathing now, thank and praise the Lord that He still believes in you for giving you another breath, another minute, another day. When we know and understand this, we understand that loss is a part of life. We are meant to feel this emotion. Of course it's never easy. And of course we fear the loss of our loved ones. We're human, and humans are allowed to feel and fear at times. But I know, especially in the presence of loss, that the good Lord is wanting our attention more than ever. 

He does not take away to upset you, He takes away what He gave in the first place. We are His. And He is equally ours. He is ours to know and love. So what is it that He wants us to know about loss? The books says "Naked I came from my mothers womb, and naked I shall return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."- Job 1:20-21.

So in the book of Job, He tells us in His word that we should equally rejoice when He takes away. Life is meant to celebrate at both birth and death. When it hurts, that's Satan's little reminder that he still exists too. He wants to remind you that your blessing has been taken away. And God allowed Satan to do this because God wanted to see if we would worship the Blessing or the Bless-er more. So pain and loss are normal to feel. And we WILL feel the pain. But now is the time to turn our attention to the Bless-er and praise Him for the Blessing; even if He did come to take back what He gave. 

When Lincoln was born, I truly grasped that special love that only exists when your child comes from the womb. There's all kinds of love, but that one in particular is a super special kind of love. One day, Lincoln will be old and grown himself and life will come to an end for He too. Of course I don't like to think about that. I want to enjoy every moment in between that time. But maybe to help us better deal with loss, we can look at what God gives us when He takes away. 

My Aunt was a blessing to anyone and everyone that met her. God gave us all the blessing of Bonnie Sue Joyner. For my mom in particular, He knew she'd be taking this very hard, but Mom has the every day reminder that God always gives back more than He takes, and she is reminded of that every time she sees her grandson. Lincoln is the newest generation our family has had in 15 years. There's a reason God chose him to enter the world at this specific time in all our lives. We needed him now more than ever. We needed a reminder that life is always something to celebrate; whether coming or going. 

That emptiness that we feel in the moment of loss is meant to be filled. Some people will keep on going, day after day and continue to feel that emptiness, searching for ways to fill it with "fillers" that will never truly fulfill them. That emptiness is God knocking at your door. Allow Him to come in and shine His light where you are dark. He will fill you up more than anyone or anything. He is able to remind me of all the good times I had with my aunt, rather than remember the suffering she went through on her way to her eternal home. He is able to put words in my heart to help in the grieving process that my immediate family members are going through. He is a mighty God and He is never to be underestimated as to what He can fix and what He can heal. 

Today, I lift up and celebrate the life of my beautiful aunt, whom was also a beautiful mother, wife, sister and friend. May your soul rest peacefully as you enter the gates of heaven. Lincoln, Ryan, and I love you and miss you so very dearly. We hope to one day see you again. In the meantime, keep on spreading your love by sharing your wonderful and tasty pasta dishes with all those up above. I know Grandma Hazel and Grandpa John were anxiously awaiting their plate of spaghetti on this day when they found out you were coming home. Thank you for adding another angel to the many we have above. We love you.