My relationship was in no position to throw a child in the mix. I had just recently went into business on my own 3 months prior to finding out the news. My career was still in its crucial stages of growth and development. I was still having fun with my girlfriends on the weekends. Instead of grasping that I had life created inside of me, I was visualizing how my life social life was quickly coming to an end.
Guilt hung over my shoulders every day in those first few weeks. I thought, "How could I be feeling this way when I know so many women try to conceive and cannot?" At one point in time, the guilt was so overwhelming that I found myself slipping into depression. Depression was an all too familiar feeling for me, as I once found myself in a black hole when I struggled to end my relationship with sugar. It made absolutely no sense to me how I could be feeling this way when I had life growing inside of me.
But then one day, light started to shine into that black hole I found myself in again. I went from overwhelmed to overjoyed. My life wasn't over; it was just beginning! God thought awful highly of me in that moment of conception to grant me His blessing of a child. Sure, on paper I wasn't ready for little man to become a part of my life. Ready or not, baby's don't necessarily come at a "perfect" time. That's not how life works and that's not how blessings work. The good Lord certainly had bigger and better plans for me than I had for myself.
Every year at the beginning of the year I create a vision board with my dreams and aspirations for the upcoming year (something new I started doing for internal motivation). My vision board included goals such as; erasing some school loan debt, dropping a few pounds, finishing my degree and growing in my business. Nowhere in there did I have a vision of marriage and family. That was saved for a later year; like 5 years later type of later year. Not only did my school loan debt add up, but I added on the debt of delivering a child (Babies are not cheap! Saving for a child really is necessary). I have yet to finish my degree, but 5 days after baby was born I enrolled in a course that is helping me publish my first book in May of this year. Instead of growing in business, I actually had to step away for a bit because my job requires me to be extremely active and I could no longer do the physical activity I once did while being pregnant. I also was put on slight bed rest a month before baby arrived leaving me without work for good. And instead of losing a few pounds for the year, I gained a whopping 40 lbs. Needless to say, I achieved very little on my vision board this last year. Believe it or not, God had better things in store for me than my own visions.
After Lincoln arrived, my goal was to grow as a mom to be the best example for my son that I could be. I wasn't passionate about the degree I was working after, but I quickly became very passionate about motherhood. My business was at a stand still for awhile, but becoming a mother has created a whole new opportunity I would have never had in my line of work had I not become a mother. My business is at its highest peak yet to date. I may not have finished my degree this last year, and I'm still not sure if the degree I was going after was one I want to finish with, but I now have a book that I will be releasing in May (Is The Grass Really Greener? A memoir). To me, I've accomplished more in writing that book than I know I will have when I complete that degree. My relationship has evolved into a beautiful mess; rather than the disaster it once was. We are on the path to marriage; not for society's approval or for baby's sake, but because we are ready to please God in our union together. As for school debt and baby debt, God also created an opportunity for me with my business to help erase my debt sooner than I could have every dreamed of.
I couldn't have imagined myself being here a year ago. From scared, broken, and lost, to now a feeling of joy and having a sense of purpose and insight as to where my life is going; I've come a long way. At the end of the day, I learned my lesson is to trust that His plans are greater for me than my own.
He can turn your dark days into light and make you forget all about your past. It's never too late to ask for His forgiveness and turn from sin either. Once I realized that, I started worrying less and I was able to accept His gift of peace. And it was in those moments of peace that I found my purpose.
All along, I've been searching for my purpose. What purpose do I, Elizabeth Anne Pitney, 26 years of age, serve in this world? Well, I may not know that answer fully just yet, and I may not ever know, but I do know I'm going in the right direction. Lincoln gave me a purpose. I now have a better purpose in my career specializing in working with women; mothers specifically. It was revealed to me in my journey into motherhood that writing was more than a hobby; it was my gift. Had I not gotten out of my own way, I may have never discovered these gifts. My ultimate lesson was to slow down, let go and let God.
God was the only judge I needed to worry about; not society. The only debt I needed to worry about was the debt of not asking for forgiveness of all my sins. In asking for forgiveness, He took care of those other debts....and then some. When the days get tough, the light seems dim, remember you don't have to fight your journey on your own. The struggle is real at times. In your fight for peace, for purpose, or whatever it is, know that your arms are too short to box with God. There will be trials along the way, but stay the course and trust His plans are good for you and your blessings will be revealed to you.
With Love,
Liz
