The Fundamentals of Caring

The Fundamentals of Caring

Peaches: What's it like being a parent?
Ben: Every corny thing you've heard about having a kid is completely and utterly true... It's the only reason we're here.

                It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, and truth be told, I wanted to, but I knew I was going to wait until I made my pregnancy announcement. Now that the secret is out I have sooooooooooooo much I want to discuss, but I’ll start with a movie I watched this July called The Fundamentals of Caring. It was a random pick and I only chose it because I’m highly attracted to Paul Rudd, and he stars in the movie so I figured it couldn’t be terrible. Let me tell you, by the time it was over, and at the point I heard the above conversation, I was balling like a baby (pregnancy hormones got me crying at least once every other day).

                Paul Rudd plays Ben, and I don’t want to give away any of the plot, but when he said that line, “Every corny thing you’ve heard about having a kid is completely and utterly true….It’s the only reason we’re here.”, it struck a chord with me because it is exactly how I would describe being a parent, maybe minus the last part since I know kids aren’t for everyone. I’ve said many times before that I never thought I would have kids, I wasn’t ever 100% sure I wanted them, but life throws you curve balls and I’m so glad I knocked this one out of the park.

                Some people are lucky enough to wake up every day with a purpose. They have the job of their dreams, or the life they've always wanted. For the rest of us, it’s the rat race, waking up every day and doing things out of habit and not out of passion. You have a job that pays the bills but it doesn’t light a fire inside you. I, ladies, and maybe a few gentlemen, am one of those people. I have a great job that lots of people might take in a heartbeat, but it doesn’t “do it” for me, I don’t have a passion for it, I’m just good at it and so I do it. Prior to having a kid I was stuck in this rut, but now that I have a child I get it. I know why I want to wake up every day, I finally have a passion and a drive to do something spectacular, and that’s to be a mom and to raise a young man in this day and age. It’s terrifying and gratifying all at the same time.

                There are days I crash and burn and there are days I want to jump up on the top tier and grab that gold medal because I killed it. The crazy thing is that even on my bad days I never want to quit, I always want to keep going, try again, try harder, and experience some new facet of parenthood. The road to retirement in parenthood is LONG, and until our dying day I don’t think we every really retire at being a parent, but I don’t “long” for it to pass the way I yearn for 5:00pm Monday through Friday. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely count the minutes until nap time every now and then, but it’s different. Every time I see my son’s face I fall in love all over again.

                Being pregnant for the second time, and knowing it’s a boy has got me all worked up and overly emotional. My husband is so stoked to have another boy. I’m super happy too, but I can admit that in the moment I heard “boy” I realized how much I would have loved to have a girl, but as my niece used to say, “you get what you get and you don’t get upset”, and “every baby is a blessing” so just being able to have another baby, boy or girl, is something I am incredibly thankful for.

How do I feel about having another baby? Well, I’m excited and I am terrified. I know women have been having babies since the dawn of time, lots and lots of babies, and while the thought of having another seems so beautiful it’s also crazy scary. I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that I won’t be sleeping for several months after the baby is born, only this time I’ll have a fresh two year old running around too. How the hell am I going to do this? How the hell have billions of women before me done this? My roots are going to be out of control, my nails probably won’t see polish until 2020, my eye brows are going to bush out, and I may even skip a few showers, OR….I’ll surprise myself and somehow keep it together, wake up every day and slap on some mascara and lip gloss and change some poop diapers with some 4 inch heals on, in my pajamas of course.

                On that note, and with that image seared into your mind (you're welcome), I will close this blog by repeating the answer to the question: What’s it like being a parent? Every corny thing you’ve heard about having a kid is completely and utterly true…It’s the only reason we’re here.

Why Is He Not Answering My Prayers?

There are some things in life that are just hard to understand. All within the same week I attended a wake for a three year old child, I talked with a family member whom I discovered lost a child to infertility, I've witnessed the death of a marriage that is occurring, and it makes me ask why. Why do people have to go through such pain and hardships when others seem to have it all going on good? Why after endless prayers over and over does God not grant the desires of our hearts? No one should ever have to experience the pain of losing a child. It hurts even worse knowing they are a great family, and that she was and is a great mother to her children, and that they do good things for other people. Why them? Or those couples that experience infertility; why them? Why give the drug addict who can't take care of a child and who doesn't want a child first before the woman begging in her prayers for a child whom can wholeheartedly take care of that child? How does one marriage survive infidelity, but another marriage fails because they just never see eye to eye? Why do bad things happen to good people?

The questions for our unanswered prayers are endless. Our search for understanding is endless. 

The mother who lost her child, how does she move forward in life without her child? I witnessed an immeasurable amount of strength in that mother as she so graciously gave her precious time and attention to all the concerned and sympathizing beings in the room that evening. How did she do that?! I asked. She was so strong. And then she started telling me that her young child served her purpose here on earth and that something really great is going to come of her loss. (Not exactly in those words, but along those lines.) I was in awe of how she was so positive and hopeful when all I wanted to do was hug her and cry with her. Her strength was admirable.

When discovering the family member who lost their child also, I was in awe of her strength. I had no idea, but I saw her positive post as if life was going really well for her. And then when she shared her news with me, I was again in awe by her strength, her wisdom and her faith about her situation. 

And to the marriage that was ending, her hope in life moving on for her and that things were going to work out, even if a divorce wasn't what she wanted. And even when her marriage wasn't finalized by divorce yet, she was already speaking hopeful things into her future. I was again, taken back by her strength. 

Watching and hearing all of this happen in the same week posed that question we've all asked ourselves at some time or another; why isn't God answering my prayers? You may not believe in God; to each is own. But you may also be asking yourself, why is this happening to me? 

The answer is; you may never know. The mothers and fathers who lose their children may never understand why their child's life was cut all too short and why they get to live on. The woman who's body is struggling to prepare itself for a child may never understand why her blessing is on hold. And 50% of men and women that end in divorce may never understand why they didn't remain on the other side of the 50%; blissfully married. They may never understand, but I know they sure as heck are calling out for answers. Why me? Why can't the pain go away? Why can't the bad memories be erased? How long do I have to suffer? Will this ever get better? And the question I shamefully admit I've asked God one too many times; if you're so big and mighty, why can't you take this hurt away from me? Why aren't you listening to me?

I've gone through gut wrenching, heart tearing pain before. I've felt dead in an alive world. I've asked over and over why me? I've asked over and over, when will I move on from the pain? And here I am today, often times still reminded of the pain. There are days I still feel broken. Everything seems perfectly puzzled together right now in my life, but my heart is still reminded of the hurt. How much longer do I have to remember the hurt? I ask in prayer. 

After a long time of what felt like suffering, I've learned one thing about my trials and I've noticed the same thing in each and every person that has experienced trials too. That no matter the storm, they survived. And not only did they survive, but they came out stronger. And not only were they stronger, but they were more patient, more understanding, more forgiving, and more kind. And for me, I see my growth and transformation as a blessing. It was necessary for me to go through the pain in order to be where I am today. Where I am today may not be where I wanted to be, but who knows how I'd be mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually had things gone my way. I'm actually afraid to know what that would look like. Listening to God wasn't so bad after all. 

My testimony was formed from my pain and suffering. My relationship, not just my beliefs in God, but my intimate relationship with Him was formed from my pain and suffering. And I have to somewhat believe that maybe that's exactly why I had to go through my pain and suffering. Maybe I had to go through some hardship so I would have a testimony to share with others and that may even help others. Maybe I had to go through some hardship so I would get to know God a little better than I once did. Maybe He wanted to know me a lot more and He took the one thing he knew would get my attention the most and it would either force me to choose life in Him or death on earth. Maybe, just maybe, my hardship was meant to be for the best. 

I have to believe that bad things happen to good people for the best. To help them grow and to help them strengthen. And most of all, to prepare them for their future blessings.

I heard this analogy once that I'd like to share.

God wants to anoint us with His blessings. The term anoint means to smear or cover with. So God wants to cover us with His blessings. Think of our blessings as paint on a wall. The paint is long lasting. But before the paint is put on the wall, the wall is primed. The wall is primed so the paint sticks better to the wall and so the paint will last longer. God primes us before He paints us. In layman's terms; He takes us through some shit before anointing us with His blessings. (That's not the analogy and terminology that I originally heard, but sharing 'hardship' once more felt as if I was undermining my real feelings behind the pain) God puts us through some really hard shit, but He has a purpose to it all. It's so we are primed and ready to be painted and anointed with His blessings.

I understand some of you may not believe  or even want to understand that analogy, but hiding behind my faith and not speaking out about Gods glory was not my destiny. I was called to share His name with others and I was called to speak out about Him. For many years I sat quietly and humbly in my faith, and that was okay too, but God had plans to use me. And I can't help but think that He allowed those things to happen in my life so He could better use me. 

I've had friends and even family ask and wonder how I picked up the pieces in my life and moved forward. They are in awe of my strength; to which I remind them that my strength is not my own. And what I can't say for others because their beliefs are not for me to comment on, I can say for myself. What I can say for myself, is that without my God, Elizabeth Anne Pitney would not exist in this world today. I wanted to take my ticket out of this world. Leaving seemed much more painless than staying at the time. And when He knew I'd be thinking that way, He put something in my life at just the perfect time to ensure I would not take my own way out and to ensure that instead of choosing death, I'd choose life in Him. That blessing He bestowed upon me in the midst of what felt like death, was new life. In the midst of all of my pain and suffering He whispered to me and said, "Everything will be all right my dear child, you may rest in my presence." That new life was the news I received of Lincoln. When I felt like leaving, God knew it. But to keep me here, He said, try again, only this time, you will not only be taking just one of my children, but two from me. As frustrating as it can sometimes be, He knows my heart better than I know my own. And He knew I wasn't going anywhere with that child inside of me.

So I sit here today and share with you all just another segment of my testimony to which I am anxiously awaiting for my book to be finished, and reveal the rest of it. Can I be honest and frank? I used to hate writing. But little did I know that it would become my gift to help others. Little did I know it would become my way to express the words on my heart that go unspoken. Little did I know that God would take something I once despised doing, and turn it into something I am finally passionate about. I've felt I've searched so long for my passion and without even realizing it, it was uncovered throughout my hardship. Writing became my means of communicating most effectively to the ones I love most. It became my therapy. And now it's become my gift and talent that I will hopefully be able to use to help others.

I say this all to hopefully give you some hope in your current storms in life. Whatever hardship you're going through, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. There's dry land and beautiful flowers replanted after the storm is over. Your faith, your entire life and everything in it may be shaken, but you'll come out stronger in the end. You will be a better person. 

Your tests in life may become your testimonies to share and help others. Your mess of a life just may one day turn into your message to help others. Just remind yourself in the midst of your storm that you are being primed right now for something really great that is coming your way. I am just an average joe on this planet. But I have a calling and a higher purpose than I once thought I was set here on earth to do. You too, have a higher purpose and sometimes, as much as it hurts to go through the pain and suffering, it's necessary to ho through to get you to that higher purpose you're here for.

God never left my prayers unanswered, He just answered them differently than what I imagined them to be. He reminded me that He has my heart and my best interest at His heart. He was the only one that was able to make me feel loved the way I desired and He was the only one that could heal my broken heart and patch up my open wounds. He is the reason I am who I am today and He is the reason I have what I have today. 

Those dark days still want to creep up on me, but choosing life in Him has helped me survive those dark reminders. 

My prayer for you all is that you too can press forward in hopes that you will discover your purpose and your testimony through all your hardship. 

May you be blessed. 

I Love My Son, But I Love Him More

It was 4am in the morning that I was looking down at the little human being attached so closely to me. It still amazes me that I carried him inside of my body for 9 months. Now he's here, and he just keeps growing. Life is truly a beautiful image. I am literally growing life through my body; what a powerful concept! When he one day stands over 6 foot tall, I know I will still find myself in amazement at how little he once was and how time has transformed him into the handsome young man he will one day become.

As I was staring at his tiny little feet and his precious little toes, and I watched both his chest and belly expand with each breath, I started imagining Lincoln as the young man he will one day be. Those tiny toes and feet will be size 12's before I know it. That chest will be broad and his abdomen defined. He will no longer be able to fit across my lap and sleep so peacefully. 

That's what little sleep will do to you sometimes. You start thinking silly things. Except these silly thoughts that are so far into the future are really right before my eyes. 

At 4am I started thinking of the young man I want Lincoln to be when he grows up and the part that I will play in that. This Sunday is a special day for both Lincoln and we as his parents. Lincoln will be dedicated into the church where he will then decide when he is old enough and knows the Lord for himself, to be baptized. 

I wasn't raised the way we are choosing to raise Lincoln. I was baptized at Lincoln's age. I had no recollection other than pictures of my baptism. That's the way I was raised in the Catholic Church. All of my life growing up I was given opportunities to learn more about Jesus and what exactly He did for us; for me. But I wasn't receptive to those teachings throughout all those years. 

I wanted to be anywhere else but 'boring' ole church with my family. (I can see God shaking His head at me right now for the times I used to call his home, boring) We had religion classes from the time I was in kindergarten all throughout high school. Only when I was in my grade school years, religion classes took place every day of the week; whereas in my high school years we only attended once a week. And because it wasn't as consistent throughout the week for me in my young adolescent years, I wasn't seeing the importance in those teachings. I used to say I was going to church with my friends and instead of going to church, we'd drive around and drink beer. Now if that wasn't enough to upset the Lord, I don't know what was. Who was I to think I was too good for church?

Selfish; I was a selfish teenager. When I went off to college, life got a little more challenging in many ways and I decided I wanted to explore that area of my life again. Except every time I walked into a church, I didn't feel I belonged there. I didn't know all of the songs, I didn't know all of the prayers that were said in union in the congregation. I felt out of place. So once again, I stopped attending church. 

October 12th of 2014 I decided to get baptized again in the church I was finally able to call my 'home'; New Salem Baptist Church. I felt this lingering notion from God to get baptized again as an adult. I was ready to accept Christ into my life wholeheartedly on that day. I have never turned my back on Him ever again after that day. I realize His importance and His presence in my life. It took me awhile, but He was ready when I was ready. What a selfless God I serve to accept me after all the times I turned my shoulder on Him. 

So it is with excitement, but also great fear that I dedicate my son to the church this weekend. There's a lot of responsibility on my plate; on our plate, as parents to teach Lincoln all we know about the good Lord. I desire for him to accept Jesus into his heart at a young age. I desire to see his love for Jesus resemble the love I have for Jesus; but experiencing that love at a much younger age. I don't want to see my son go through life like I did; waiting until his 20's or later yet, to accept God into his heart. And because I am his mother, I will make sure that does not happen.

It starts with Ryan and I. We read the Bible to Lincoln every night. We take him to church every Sunday. If we aren't taking him to church, we listen to the sermon online with him. We play praise and worship songs and sing to him. We pray over him every morning. We pray every time he eats from a bottle or from the breast. We are doing all we can to lay the foundation for his most important relationship in life; His relationship with Jesus Christ.

I desire for my son to be a god-fearing, loving, kind, selfless young man. I desire for him to be a giver, a servant, a people pleaser. Society will tell you to please yourself before others and convince you that you actually deserve to be pleased first. But the Lord tells us to please others before ourselves and He reminds us that we don't 'deserve' anything. That's what His grace is. He gives grace not because we deserve it, but because He's the only one that loves us enough to see past all our wrongdoings. Nothing is promised for us here on earth, but society sure wants us to believe otherwise. 

If I put my focus on growing Lincoln's relationship with Jesus Christ, I know I will have done my will in my role of motherhood over Lincoln. This does not ensure that he is going to be a perfect little angel and live a sinless life; no, not at all. What it does mean is that Lincoln will understand how to treat others; like his mother and father, and his peers. He will understand how to love others; like his future wife. He will understand how to respect others; like his elders and his teachers. He will make bad choices at times, but he will know that his Heavenly Father loves him unconditionally and will forgive him over and over if He has to.

As I drifted off into my own sleep again this morning, I thanked my Heavenly Father for the gift of loving and teaching this child about life and about our ultimate goal of making it into eternal life with Him. There is no greater miracle than that of the creation of a child. This miracle is what has made life go on from generation to the next. I praise God for the gift of His son, Lincoln Alexander Hunter, to me. 

Spiritual Blessings Come Wrapped In Trials

I often wondered how many women felt the same way I did when they found out they were expecting to have their first child. Growing up I was never one of those girls that imagined what her dream wedding would be like. I never saw myself living in a big house with a white picket fence draped around it. I knew I one day wanted to have a child, but I wasn't expecting that one day to happen so soon. It happened before I finished my college degree. It happened before marriage. It was completely out of context for me to have a child at the age of 26 years old. At least that's what society convinced me to believe in the beginning. And because I let myself be affected by the potential opinions of society, I was actually quite devastated when I received the news.

My relationship was in no position to throw a child in the mix. I had just recently went into business on my own 3 months prior to finding out the news. My career was still in its crucial stages of growth and development. I was still having fun with my girlfriends on the weekends. Instead of grasping that I had life created inside of me, I was visualizing how my life social life was quickly coming to an end. 

Guilt hung over my shoulders every day in those first few weeks. I thought, "How could I be feeling this way when I know so many women try to conceive and cannot?" At one point in time, the guilt was so overwhelming that I found myself slipping into depression. Depression was an all too familiar feeling for me, as I once found myself in a black hole when I struggled to end my relationship with sugar. It made absolutely no sense to me how I could be feeling this way when I had life growing inside of me. 

But then one day, light started to shine into that black hole I found myself in again. I went from overwhelmed to overjoyed. My life wasn't over; it was just beginning! God thought awful highly of me in that moment of conception to grant me His blessing of a child. Sure, on paper I wasn't ready for little man to become a part of my life. Ready or not, baby's don't necessarily come at a "perfect" time. That's not how life works and that's not how blessings work. The good Lord certainly had bigger and better plans for me than I had for myself. 

Every year at the beginning of the year I create a vision board with my dreams and aspirations for the upcoming year (something new I started doing for internal motivation). My vision board included goals such as; erasing some school loan debt, dropping a few pounds, finishing my degree and growing in my business. Nowhere in there did I have a vision of marriage and family. That was saved for a later year; like 5 years later type of later year. Not only did my school loan debt add up, but I added on the debt of delivering a child (Babies are not cheap! Saving for a child really is necessary). I have yet to finish my degree, but 5 days after baby was born I enrolled in a course that is helping me publish my first book in May of this year. Instead of growing in business, I actually had to step away for a bit because my job requires me to be extremely active and I could no longer do the physical activity I once did while being pregnant. I also was put on slight bed rest a month before baby arrived leaving me without work for good. And instead of losing a few pounds for the year, I gained a whopping 40 lbs. Needless to say, I achieved very little on my vision board this last year. Believe it or not, God had better things in store for me than my own visions. 

After Lincoln arrived, my goal was to grow as a mom to be the best example for my son that I could be. I wasn't passionate about the degree I was working after, but I quickly became very passionate about motherhood. My business was at a stand still for awhile, but becoming a mother has created a whole new opportunity I would have never had in my line of work had I not become a mother. My business is at its highest peak yet to date. I may not have finished my degree this last year, and I'm still not sure if the degree I was going after was one I want to finish with, but I now have a book that I will be releasing in May (Is The Grass Really Greener? A memoir). To me, I've accomplished more in writing that book than I know I will have when I complete that degree. My relationship has evolved into a beautiful mess; rather than the disaster it once was. We are on the path to marriage; not for society's approval or for baby's sake, but because we are ready to please God in our union together. As for school debt and baby debt, God also created an opportunity for me with my business to help erase my debt sooner than I could have every dreamed of. 

I couldn't have imagined myself being here a year ago. From scared, broken, and lost, to now a feeling of joy and having a sense of purpose and insight as to where my life is going; I've come a long way. At the end of the day, I learned my lesson is to trust that His plans are greater for me than my own. He can turn your dark days into light and make you forget all about your past. It's never too late to ask for His forgiveness and turn from sin either. Once I realized that, I started worrying less and I was able to accept His gift of peace. And it was in those moments of peace that I found my purpose. 

All along, I've been searching for my purpose. What purpose do I, Elizabeth Anne Pitney, 26 years of age, serve in this world? Well, I may not know that answer fully just yet, and I may not ever know, but I do know I'm going in the right direction. Lincoln gave me a purpose. I now have a better purpose in my career specializing in working with women; mothers specifically. It was revealed to me in my journey into motherhood that writing was more than a hobby; it was my gift. Had I not gotten out of my own way, I may have never discovered these gifts. My ultimate lesson was to slow down, let go and let God. 

God was the only judge I needed to worry about; not society. The only debt I needed to worry about was the debt of not asking for forgiveness of all my sins. In asking for forgiveness, He took care of those other debts....and then some. When the days get tough, the light seems dim, remember you don't have to fight your journey on your own. The struggle is real at times. In your fight for peace, for purpose, or whatever it is, know that your arms are too short to box with God. There will be trials along the way, but stay the course and trust His plans are good for you and your blessings will be revealed to you. 

With Love, 

Liz