Why Is He Not Answering My Prayers?

There are some things in life that are just hard to understand. All within the same week I attended a wake for a three year old child, I talked with a family member whom I discovered lost a child to infertility, I've witnessed the death of a marriage that is occurring, and it makes me ask why. Why do people have to go through such pain and hardships when others seem to have it all going on good? Why after endless prayers over and over does God not grant the desires of our hearts? No one should ever have to experience the pain of losing a child. It hurts even worse knowing they are a great family, and that she was and is a great mother to her children, and that they do good things for other people. Why them? Or those couples that experience infertility; why them? Why give the drug addict who can't take care of a child and who doesn't want a child first before the woman begging in her prayers for a child whom can wholeheartedly take care of that child? How does one marriage survive infidelity, but another marriage fails because they just never see eye to eye? Why do bad things happen to good people?

The questions for our unanswered prayers are endless. Our search for understanding is endless. 

The mother who lost her child, how does she move forward in life without her child? I witnessed an immeasurable amount of strength in that mother as she so graciously gave her precious time and attention to all the concerned and sympathizing beings in the room that evening. How did she do that?! I asked. She was so strong. And then she started telling me that her young child served her purpose here on earth and that something really great is going to come of her loss. (Not exactly in those words, but along those lines.) I was in awe of how she was so positive and hopeful when all I wanted to do was hug her and cry with her. Her strength was admirable.

When discovering the family member who lost their child also, I was in awe of her strength. I had no idea, but I saw her positive post as if life was going really well for her. And then when she shared her news with me, I was again in awe by her strength, her wisdom and her faith about her situation. 

And to the marriage that was ending, her hope in life moving on for her and that things were going to work out, even if a divorce wasn't what she wanted. And even when her marriage wasn't finalized by divorce yet, she was already speaking hopeful things into her future. I was again, taken back by her strength. 

Watching and hearing all of this happen in the same week posed that question we've all asked ourselves at some time or another; why isn't God answering my prayers? You may not believe in God; to each is own. But you may also be asking yourself, why is this happening to me? 

The answer is; you may never know. The mothers and fathers who lose their children may never understand why their child's life was cut all too short and why they get to live on. The woman who's body is struggling to prepare itself for a child may never understand why her blessing is on hold. And 50% of men and women that end in divorce may never understand why they didn't remain on the other side of the 50%; blissfully married. They may never understand, but I know they sure as heck are calling out for answers. Why me? Why can't the pain go away? Why can't the bad memories be erased? How long do I have to suffer? Will this ever get better? And the question I shamefully admit I've asked God one too many times; if you're so big and mighty, why can't you take this hurt away from me? Why aren't you listening to me?

I've gone through gut wrenching, heart tearing pain before. I've felt dead in an alive world. I've asked over and over why me? I've asked over and over, when will I move on from the pain? And here I am today, often times still reminded of the pain. There are days I still feel broken. Everything seems perfectly puzzled together right now in my life, but my heart is still reminded of the hurt. How much longer do I have to remember the hurt? I ask in prayer. 

After a long time of what felt like suffering, I've learned one thing about my trials and I've noticed the same thing in each and every person that has experienced trials too. That no matter the storm, they survived. And not only did they survive, but they came out stronger. And not only were they stronger, but they were more patient, more understanding, more forgiving, and more kind. And for me, I see my growth and transformation as a blessing. It was necessary for me to go through the pain in order to be where I am today. Where I am today may not be where I wanted to be, but who knows how I'd be mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually had things gone my way. I'm actually afraid to know what that would look like. Listening to God wasn't so bad after all. 

My testimony was formed from my pain and suffering. My relationship, not just my beliefs in God, but my intimate relationship with Him was formed from my pain and suffering. And I have to somewhat believe that maybe that's exactly why I had to go through my pain and suffering. Maybe I had to go through some hardship so I would have a testimony to share with others and that may even help others. Maybe I had to go through some hardship so I would get to know God a little better than I once did. Maybe He wanted to know me a lot more and He took the one thing he knew would get my attention the most and it would either force me to choose life in Him or death on earth. Maybe, just maybe, my hardship was meant to be for the best. 

I have to believe that bad things happen to good people for the best. To help them grow and to help them strengthen. And most of all, to prepare them for their future blessings.

I heard this analogy once that I'd like to share.

God wants to anoint us with His blessings. The term anoint means to smear or cover with. So God wants to cover us with His blessings. Think of our blessings as paint on a wall. The paint is long lasting. But before the paint is put on the wall, the wall is primed. The wall is primed so the paint sticks better to the wall and so the paint will last longer. God primes us before He paints us. In layman's terms; He takes us through some shit before anointing us with His blessings. (That's not the analogy and terminology that I originally heard, but sharing 'hardship' once more felt as if I was undermining my real feelings behind the pain) God puts us through some really hard shit, but He has a purpose to it all. It's so we are primed and ready to be painted and anointed with His blessings.

I understand some of you may not believe  or even want to understand that analogy, but hiding behind my faith and not speaking out about Gods glory was not my destiny. I was called to share His name with others and I was called to speak out about Him. For many years I sat quietly and humbly in my faith, and that was okay too, but God had plans to use me. And I can't help but think that He allowed those things to happen in my life so He could better use me. 

I've had friends and even family ask and wonder how I picked up the pieces in my life and moved forward. They are in awe of my strength; to which I remind them that my strength is not my own. And what I can't say for others because their beliefs are not for me to comment on, I can say for myself. What I can say for myself, is that without my God, Elizabeth Anne Pitney would not exist in this world today. I wanted to take my ticket out of this world. Leaving seemed much more painless than staying at the time. And when He knew I'd be thinking that way, He put something in my life at just the perfect time to ensure I would not take my own way out and to ensure that instead of choosing death, I'd choose life in Him. That blessing He bestowed upon me in the midst of what felt like death, was new life. In the midst of all of my pain and suffering He whispered to me and said, "Everything will be all right my dear child, you may rest in my presence." That new life was the news I received of Lincoln. When I felt like leaving, God knew it. But to keep me here, He said, try again, only this time, you will not only be taking just one of my children, but two from me. As frustrating as it can sometimes be, He knows my heart better than I know my own. And He knew I wasn't going anywhere with that child inside of me.

So I sit here today and share with you all just another segment of my testimony to which I am anxiously awaiting for my book to be finished, and reveal the rest of it. Can I be honest and frank? I used to hate writing. But little did I know that it would become my gift to help others. Little did I know it would become my way to express the words on my heart that go unspoken. Little did I know that God would take something I once despised doing, and turn it into something I am finally passionate about. I've felt I've searched so long for my passion and without even realizing it, it was uncovered throughout my hardship. Writing became my means of communicating most effectively to the ones I love most. It became my therapy. And now it's become my gift and talent that I will hopefully be able to use to help others.

I say this all to hopefully give you some hope in your current storms in life. Whatever hardship you're going through, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. There's dry land and beautiful flowers replanted after the storm is over. Your faith, your entire life and everything in it may be shaken, but you'll come out stronger in the end. You will be a better person. 

Your tests in life may become your testimonies to share and help others. Your mess of a life just may one day turn into your message to help others. Just remind yourself in the midst of your storm that you are being primed right now for something really great that is coming your way. I am just an average joe on this planet. But I have a calling and a higher purpose than I once thought I was set here on earth to do. You too, have a higher purpose and sometimes, as much as it hurts to go through the pain and suffering, it's necessary to ho through to get you to that higher purpose you're here for.

God never left my prayers unanswered, He just answered them differently than what I imagined them to be. He reminded me that He has my heart and my best interest at His heart. He was the only one that was able to make me feel loved the way I desired and He was the only one that could heal my broken heart and patch up my open wounds. He is the reason I am who I am today and He is the reason I have what I have today. 

Those dark days still want to creep up on me, but choosing life in Him has helped me survive those dark reminders. 

My prayer for you all is that you too can press forward in hopes that you will discover your purpose and your testimony through all your hardship. 

May you be blessed. 

Planning for My Marriage

I was never the girl who dreamed of her wedding day, or the one who had a shoe box stored under her bed full of magazine cutouts and snippets of fabric that symbolized her colors and decor. I never gave Ryan an ultimatum or a deadline on when he "had to propose or else I'd move on". I never told him what ring I wanted to wear. I never even told him my ring size. We never really talked about the wedding, but marriage was frequently brought up. 

There comes a point in a woman's life where she evaluates her life and where she's at. Society forces us to evaluate our lives around the ages of 22-28. If we aren't married, thinking about marriage, if we don't have a good career, or if we aren't already having kids, then we're behind. I honestly never saw myself in this life I have right now; a business owner, a mother to a beautiful boy and a soon to be wife to an amazing man. I tend to be one that strays from society and all of its gimmicks. I hate seeing how people literally waste precious time with their friends and families while on technology. 4 out of 5 of the girls I surround myself with are all wearing the same clothes from the same chain store. I'd be the one with the outfit from the boutique store down in Alabama (this is an exaggeration, but I don't like having the same style everyone else has). I'm very outgoing, but an extreme introvert at heart. Instead of talking about The Real Housewives or The Kardashians, I want to talk about books like those from John Maxwell or Joel Osteen. But no one ever talks about books like that. Or at least in my group of friends. And sometimes I just want to sit in a room or outdoors by myself and just stare into space and get my creativity going so I can draw a beautiful picture. I like to draw, but society has forced me to believe I'm wasting my time if I'm not crossing things off my to do list. So I don't draw enough, and I don't write enough. In reality, I'm not maximizing the gifts God gave me. But one thing I know I did right, was choosing to do life with Ryan. At 26, almost 27 years of age, I know this is the right life for me. And whether I believed that initially, I know my life would not be going in the direction it is now if it wasn't for my child and my husband. 

My wardrobe, my cell phone, and my to-do list may never keep up with society, but my marriage never has to and that's the beauty of a marriage. I have friends who've I've witnessed firsthand stressing about the details of their wedding day. I get it, you are entertaining guests and want to make sure they have a wonderful experience at your "perfect day". But it oftentimes leaves them feeling disappointed if things don't go the way they planned it to be. I too hope my guests are pleased, but at the end of the day, that wedding day is about Ryan and I. I'm sorry if the chicken is too hard or the sides are original, but HELLLOO!! I'm about to say YES to FOREVER to this man and that's kind of a big deal!! Marriage is a big deal. It's a serious commitment (if you view it that way that is. Not everyone values a marriage and its covenant unfortunately). To my guests; I'm sorry if the music wasn't what you wanted to hear and the food wasn't all that great, I'll do my best to make sure both are legit, but please say a prayer for me, I'm about to embark on the biggest journey of my life and I need all the prayers I can get! 

I've overheard friends who've told me they picked out the ring that they wanted to wear, taking away the excitement of the special occasion. There's nothing wrong with a girl living out that once in a lifetime dream. But that's just not what I prefer. I'm the complete opposite. I want to be surprised everyday in my relationship. It keeps the lust in the love. If Ryan and I are running on lust alone, we're going to feel unloved quickly by one another. Lust is selfish, it's the desires we have in our heart to feel good from another persons actions of love towards us. But love is selfless. Love is a choice and its full of unfairness, bad decisions, forgiveness, cries, and disappointments. But love is also full of joy, peace, laughter, kindness, patience, and understanding. You don't get that stuff with lust. Lust will make you think it's time to move on to the next candidate for your spouse because he/she wasn't loving you enough. 

There have been many circumstances in my relationship where I had to choose to love Ryan. I had to choose to love him through disappointments and he had to choose to love me through disappointments. Ryan and I went through counseling and through a 4 month pre-marital class before even getting engaged. I would encourage everyone to go through some sort of counseling prior to engagement. You discover things about one another you may have never found out if it wasn't brought up in an intentional conversation. You learn tools on how to solve conflict with peace. You learn to not sweat the small stuff. You learn whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. Is this the person you want to wake up to everyday in bed with for the rest of your life? Is the person you want to make love with for the rest of your life? Is this the person you want to be the parent of your children? Is this the person you want to laugh with, cry with, and grow old with? Because if it's not, you can get out before you get too far in. Ryan and I took what we felt were good steps in getting to know one another before saying "yes" to one another for forever. I only want to do this marriage one time. Marriage is very sacred to me and I believe that if I'm loving God first and making Him my priority relationship, then Ryan will never feel shortchanged and he'll always feel fulfilled from my end. 

My dream is not to have a perfect wedding day, because I know perfect doesn't exist. Fairytale rarely exists. So having little expectations on that day will make for a wonderful day. But my dream is to have a lasting and fulfilling marriage. I already know what that looks like for me and I already know that's what life will be like for me. I want a marriage where I can serve God and serve others with my husband. 

There's a great purpose for Ryan and I being together. He's the first man I ever met that I wasn't attracted to first. I was actually turned off because I thought his good looks and his charm were just him picking another girl to "play". I had a horrible image of men for a long time due to some internal struggles of mine. So the thought of Ryan, whom as handsome as he is, choosing me was almost unreal at the time. But I didn't give myself enough credit because come to find out, I'm the perfect match for Ryan. I eventually saw his heart and knew his intentions were good. He was a genuine gentleman, whom later revealed his messy beautiful life with me and when he did, I knew we were meant to serve a purpose together. 

We're getting married August 13th of this year. My family from the south will be here up north for a memorial we are doing for my moms sister who passed away earlier this year. It was the perfect time to get married; having my closest family and friends there at the same time. I don't need 6 months or a year to plan anything. I don't have time to stress about decor or the dress. The day will be awesome because I get to say "I Do" to the most amazing gift God gave to me. Without Ryan, Lincoln would not be a part of my life. I can't thank God enough for these gifts He's given me. 

We were introduced about a year ago to this awesome book called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggrich. Reading it made total sense. It was the best "how to" book for those getting married or those who have been married and feel like things just aren't going the way they'd like them to be. A book married couples should read and include in their planning.

I am so excited to get to love and choose Mr. Ryan Mourice Hunter as his Mrs. Elizabeth Anne Hunter for the rest of our days together. August 13th, let's do this! 

I Love My Son, But I Love Him More

It was 4am in the morning that I was looking down at the little human being attached so closely to me. It still amazes me that I carried him inside of my body for 9 months. Now he's here, and he just keeps growing. Life is truly a beautiful image. I am literally growing life through my body; what a powerful concept! When he one day stands over 6 foot tall, I know I will still find myself in amazement at how little he once was and how time has transformed him into the handsome young man he will one day become.

As I was staring at his tiny little feet and his precious little toes, and I watched both his chest and belly expand with each breath, I started imagining Lincoln as the young man he will one day be. Those tiny toes and feet will be size 12's before I know it. That chest will be broad and his abdomen defined. He will no longer be able to fit across my lap and sleep so peacefully. 

That's what little sleep will do to you sometimes. You start thinking silly things. Except these silly thoughts that are so far into the future are really right before my eyes. 

At 4am I started thinking of the young man I want Lincoln to be when he grows up and the part that I will play in that. This Sunday is a special day for both Lincoln and we as his parents. Lincoln will be dedicated into the church where he will then decide when he is old enough and knows the Lord for himself, to be baptized. 

I wasn't raised the way we are choosing to raise Lincoln. I was baptized at Lincoln's age. I had no recollection other than pictures of my baptism. That's the way I was raised in the Catholic Church. All of my life growing up I was given opportunities to learn more about Jesus and what exactly He did for us; for me. But I wasn't receptive to those teachings throughout all those years. 

I wanted to be anywhere else but 'boring' ole church with my family. (I can see God shaking His head at me right now for the times I used to call his home, boring) We had religion classes from the time I was in kindergarten all throughout high school. Only when I was in my grade school years, religion classes took place every day of the week; whereas in my high school years we only attended once a week. And because it wasn't as consistent throughout the week for me in my young adolescent years, I wasn't seeing the importance in those teachings. I used to say I was going to church with my friends and instead of going to church, we'd drive around and drink beer. Now if that wasn't enough to upset the Lord, I don't know what was. Who was I to think I was too good for church?

Selfish; I was a selfish teenager. When I went off to college, life got a little more challenging in many ways and I decided I wanted to explore that area of my life again. Except every time I walked into a church, I didn't feel I belonged there. I didn't know all of the songs, I didn't know all of the prayers that were said in union in the congregation. I felt out of place. So once again, I stopped attending church. 

October 12th of 2014 I decided to get baptized again in the church I was finally able to call my 'home'; New Salem Baptist Church. I felt this lingering notion from God to get baptized again as an adult. I was ready to accept Christ into my life wholeheartedly on that day. I have never turned my back on Him ever again after that day. I realize His importance and His presence in my life. It took me awhile, but He was ready when I was ready. What a selfless God I serve to accept me after all the times I turned my shoulder on Him. 

So it is with excitement, but also great fear that I dedicate my son to the church this weekend. There's a lot of responsibility on my plate; on our plate, as parents to teach Lincoln all we know about the good Lord. I desire for him to accept Jesus into his heart at a young age. I desire to see his love for Jesus resemble the love I have for Jesus; but experiencing that love at a much younger age. I don't want to see my son go through life like I did; waiting until his 20's or later yet, to accept God into his heart. And because I am his mother, I will make sure that does not happen.

It starts with Ryan and I. We read the Bible to Lincoln every night. We take him to church every Sunday. If we aren't taking him to church, we listen to the sermon online with him. We play praise and worship songs and sing to him. We pray over him every morning. We pray every time he eats from a bottle or from the breast. We are doing all we can to lay the foundation for his most important relationship in life; His relationship with Jesus Christ.

I desire for my son to be a god-fearing, loving, kind, selfless young man. I desire for him to be a giver, a servant, a people pleaser. Society will tell you to please yourself before others and convince you that you actually deserve to be pleased first. But the Lord tells us to please others before ourselves and He reminds us that we don't 'deserve' anything. That's what His grace is. He gives grace not because we deserve it, but because He's the only one that loves us enough to see past all our wrongdoings. Nothing is promised for us here on earth, but society sure wants us to believe otherwise. 

If I put my focus on growing Lincoln's relationship with Jesus Christ, I know I will have done my will in my role of motherhood over Lincoln. This does not ensure that he is going to be a perfect little angel and live a sinless life; no, not at all. What it does mean is that Lincoln will understand how to treat others; like his mother and father, and his peers. He will understand how to love others; like his future wife. He will understand how to respect others; like his elders and his teachers. He will make bad choices at times, but he will know that his Heavenly Father loves him unconditionally and will forgive him over and over if He has to.

As I drifted off into my own sleep again this morning, I thanked my Heavenly Father for the gift of loving and teaching this child about life and about our ultimate goal of making it into eternal life with Him. There is no greater miracle than that of the creation of a child. This miracle is what has made life go on from generation to the next. I praise God for the gift of His son, Lincoln Alexander Hunter, to me.