I couldn't help but notice every week when a group of my kids come in for their training sessions, they walk into the gym and will glance at themselves in the large mirror that magnifies every freckle, every pimple, and every unwanted attribute about themselves.
They'll talk about how their legs are "gross" and how their stomach is "flabby" and how they can't wait to get their braces off because they "hate" their smile. These girls range from ages 15-17. Their comments about themselves sparked something in me to do an activity with them.
I brought the girls over to the mirror and had them look directly into their own eyes and give themselves five compliments. What could have taken seconds to complete, ended up taking about ten minutes. They fidgeted, shuffled their feet in distress and a couple of them could barely look themselves directly in the eyes. My heart was broken watching them struggle to find beauty within themselves. I see them as vibrant and full of energy, beautiful young ladies with good heads on their shoulders. I know they are smart. I know they are hard workers. They are humorous. But they saw none of that. And I couldn't understand why.
I talked to them about how they felt doing the activity; it was stressful, they hated it, and they felt uncomfortable. Why? "Because we don't talk about ourselves that way" they said. And by "that way" they meant, they don't compliment themselves. But they can easily pick apart their bodies and identify the things they think they aren't good at. They said they compare themselves with the pictures of other people they see on Instagram. They compare themselves to their friends.
And so it was revealed....
I wondered where this comparison was coming from and who they looked at that convinced them they weren't pretty enough, or smart enough, or happy enough. It was their 24/7 access to social media that I discovered they spend on average a total of 3-5 hours/day on. That gives them access to see the lives of others, some they don't even know, and get a two inch by two inch framed glimpse of what their life is like. They look at that photo shopped and filtered image taken at the perfect angle and compare themselves to that. They compare themselves to the posts about others being happy with their boyfriends, when they are either boyfriend-less or going through some problems with their boyfriends. They think they need that male counterpart to make them feel pretty and to be happy. They don't understand why they aren't experiencing that same happiness. They think it's because of the way they look.
And this is where social media frustrates me....
We only see a small, very, very tiny glimpse of what that persons life is like through their pictures or their comments on their Twitter or Facebook posts. Majority of the time we have no clue what else is going on outside of those moments shared with us. And that's the thing, most people only share with the world the good, because who wants to share the bad and who wants to hear the bad? Reality is, our lives are not perfect, but we think because we have had a good week of prepping meals, or that we bought a new and complimenting outfit, or that we did our hair and makeup, that we need to post a photo of it for everyone else to see. And for what reason? My only guess is for attention. To fill some sort of emotional void we aren't getting somewhere else in our life.
Want to know what my life looks like outside of my happy and motivating posts and pictures? It's messy! I live a beautiful-messy life. I have problems in my relationship, problems as a mother, problems with my family, problems with my finances, problems with my spirituality, problems with my consistency in eating right and exercising. I'm not perfect. And maybe I should be more aware of how I'm perceiving my life to be to others if that's what our youth is seeing.
I took a photo of each of them on the spot. I asked them if they'd post it to social media. Every singe one of them said, "Absolutely not!" They didn't like the angle, the lighting, they looked fat, their hair was gross, their eyes were squinting and their smile was too big. "But that's what I see when I see you everyday, ladies! " I told them. "And to me, I see you as smart, beautiful, bright and kind young ladies." Why not share that with the world instead of filtering all the things we don't like about ourselves and sharing a falsified version of ourselves?
They learned a lesson, and so did I. I will be more aware of how I perceive my life through social media. If I'm not real with myself, y'all can count on me not being real with you. I won't accept that. I deserve better for myself, and so do you.
We need to be teaching our youth that THEY ARE ENOUGH! Social media is the foundation for a lot of bullying and peer pressure, it leads to depression, violence, and even death. It's convenient; yes. It's great for marketing; yes. But we still exist in this world and there's so much going on in this world we are missing by looking down at our phone screens all day. Screw the marketing and convenience benefits if it means it's taking away from our quality of life. There are so many moments that aren't truly experienced because we are focused on getting the picture on camera instead. And when we look back at the pictures we don't even remember what those moments felt like because we weren't actually experiencing them.
We need to encourage people to put their phones down. Just put them away! Easier said than done, right? Well, the future is in our hands and what I saw with the youth that I get to mentor and coach every day, is a problem. I saw a huge problem with the way they value themselves. If they don't value themselves, what's next? Drugs? Hard drugs? Sex? Human trafficking? Lying? Stealing? Cheating? They have a whole life ahead of them yet (God willing), but unless we share with them how loved they are, that they are good enough, the reality of what's online and what's behind it, and unless we SHOW them, not just tell them, that it's important to put our phones down and look up at life, then they will continue to transition into adulthood looking down, de-valuing their worth, and who knows what that will lead to and what that will look like. We haven't experienced anything like this era before. So we have to be the change we want to see.
It's so easy for us as busy, working individuals to get caught up on our phones too. But we are setting the example to our youth who are followers of use, of the way life is supposed to be by being on our phones all the time.
Try that activity I had my girls do. And if you struggle to look yourself in the eyes without losing contact of your own eyes, and if you struggle to compliment yourself and highlight your attributes, then you need to make a change. You need to empower yourself first in order to be able to empower others. And our youth needs to be empowered. The school that I coach at has experienced a suicide of a student within the school 3 times over the last 4 years. I've talked with kids about their depression and how they are on medication to control it. They are losing hope, drowning in our society and the way it's perceived to be through social media. They feel inefficient, and they fear things won't get better. Why? Because they see how we are living as adults, and it's the same damn way.
I fear for our youth, that if we as the older generation do not restore ourselves, that they will struggle to find their way all of their lives. We need to restore them with hope. But the change starts with us. And it can start by putting your phone down and really living life, knowing your worth, and valuing your time.
After writing this blog, I snapped a photo of my current self (the first and only photo). Undone hair, thick glasses still on, not a full smile because I didn't feel like giving a full smile, no perfect angle; just me. And this will always be the real, raw me. I know I'm beautiful aside from the naysayer in me that convinces me otherwise sometimes. How many of you can share a photo of yourselves like this?
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