Why Is He Not Answering My Prayers?

There are some things in life that are just hard to understand. All within the same week I attended a wake for a three year old child, I talked with a family member whom I discovered lost a child to infertility, I've witnessed the death of a marriage that is occurring, and it makes me ask why. Why do people have to go through such pain and hardships when others seem to have it all going on good? Why after endless prayers over and over does God not grant the desires of our hearts? No one should ever have to experience the pain of losing a child. It hurts even worse knowing they are a great family, and that she was and is a great mother to her children, and that they do good things for other people. Why them? Or those couples that experience infertility; why them? Why give the drug addict who can't take care of a child and who doesn't want a child first before the woman begging in her prayers for a child whom can wholeheartedly take care of that child? How does one marriage survive infidelity, but another marriage fails because they just never see eye to eye? Why do bad things happen to good people?

The questions for our unanswered prayers are endless. Our search for understanding is endless. 

The mother who lost her child, how does she move forward in life without her child? I witnessed an immeasurable amount of strength in that mother as she so graciously gave her precious time and attention to all the concerned and sympathizing beings in the room that evening. How did she do that?! I asked. She was so strong. And then she started telling me that her young child served her purpose here on earth and that something really great is going to come of her loss. (Not exactly in those words, but along those lines.) I was in awe of how she was so positive and hopeful when all I wanted to do was hug her and cry with her. Her strength was admirable.

When discovering the family member who lost their child also, I was in awe of her strength. I had no idea, but I saw her positive post as if life was going really well for her. And then when she shared her news with me, I was again in awe by her strength, her wisdom and her faith about her situation. 

And to the marriage that was ending, her hope in life moving on for her and that things were going to work out, even if a divorce wasn't what she wanted. And even when her marriage wasn't finalized by divorce yet, she was already speaking hopeful things into her future. I was again, taken back by her strength. 

Watching and hearing all of this happen in the same week posed that question we've all asked ourselves at some time or another; why isn't God answering my prayers? You may not believe in God; to each is own. But you may also be asking yourself, why is this happening to me? 

The answer is; you may never know. The mothers and fathers who lose their children may never understand why their child's life was cut all too short and why they get to live on. The woman who's body is struggling to prepare itself for a child may never understand why her blessing is on hold. And 50% of men and women that end in divorce may never understand why they didn't remain on the other side of the 50%; blissfully married. They may never understand, but I know they sure as heck are calling out for answers. Why me? Why can't the pain go away? Why can't the bad memories be erased? How long do I have to suffer? Will this ever get better? And the question I shamefully admit I've asked God one too many times; if you're so big and mighty, why can't you take this hurt away from me? Why aren't you listening to me?

I've gone through gut wrenching, heart tearing pain before. I've felt dead in an alive world. I've asked over and over why me? I've asked over and over, when will I move on from the pain? And here I am today, often times still reminded of the pain. There are days I still feel broken. Everything seems perfectly puzzled together right now in my life, but my heart is still reminded of the hurt. How much longer do I have to remember the hurt? I ask in prayer. 

After a long time of what felt like suffering, I've learned one thing about my trials and I've noticed the same thing in each and every person that has experienced trials too. That no matter the storm, they survived. And not only did they survive, but they came out stronger. And not only were they stronger, but they were more patient, more understanding, more forgiving, and more kind. And for me, I see my growth and transformation as a blessing. It was necessary for me to go through the pain in order to be where I am today. Where I am today may not be where I wanted to be, but who knows how I'd be mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually had things gone my way. I'm actually afraid to know what that would look like. Listening to God wasn't so bad after all. 

My testimony was formed from my pain and suffering. My relationship, not just my beliefs in God, but my intimate relationship with Him was formed from my pain and suffering. And I have to somewhat believe that maybe that's exactly why I had to go through my pain and suffering. Maybe I had to go through some hardship so I would have a testimony to share with others and that may even help others. Maybe I had to go through some hardship so I would get to know God a little better than I once did. Maybe He wanted to know me a lot more and He took the one thing he knew would get my attention the most and it would either force me to choose life in Him or death on earth. Maybe, just maybe, my hardship was meant to be for the best. 

I have to believe that bad things happen to good people for the best. To help them grow and to help them strengthen. And most of all, to prepare them for their future blessings.

I heard this analogy once that I'd like to share.

God wants to anoint us with His blessings. The term anoint means to smear or cover with. So God wants to cover us with His blessings. Think of our blessings as paint on a wall. The paint is long lasting. But before the paint is put on the wall, the wall is primed. The wall is primed so the paint sticks better to the wall and so the paint will last longer. God primes us before He paints us. In layman's terms; He takes us through some shit before anointing us with His blessings. (That's not the analogy and terminology that I originally heard, but sharing 'hardship' once more felt as if I was undermining my real feelings behind the pain) God puts us through some really hard shit, but He has a purpose to it all. It's so we are primed and ready to be painted and anointed with His blessings.

I understand some of you may not believe  or even want to understand that analogy, but hiding behind my faith and not speaking out about Gods glory was not my destiny. I was called to share His name with others and I was called to speak out about Him. For many years I sat quietly and humbly in my faith, and that was okay too, but God had plans to use me. And I can't help but think that He allowed those things to happen in my life so He could better use me. 

I've had friends and even family ask and wonder how I picked up the pieces in my life and moved forward. They are in awe of my strength; to which I remind them that my strength is not my own. And what I can't say for others because their beliefs are not for me to comment on, I can say for myself. What I can say for myself, is that without my God, Elizabeth Anne Pitney would not exist in this world today. I wanted to take my ticket out of this world. Leaving seemed much more painless than staying at the time. And when He knew I'd be thinking that way, He put something in my life at just the perfect time to ensure I would not take my own way out and to ensure that instead of choosing death, I'd choose life in Him. That blessing He bestowed upon me in the midst of what felt like death, was new life. In the midst of all of my pain and suffering He whispered to me and said, "Everything will be all right my dear child, you may rest in my presence." That new life was the news I received of Lincoln. When I felt like leaving, God knew it. But to keep me here, He said, try again, only this time, you will not only be taking just one of my children, but two from me. As frustrating as it can sometimes be, He knows my heart better than I know my own. And He knew I wasn't going anywhere with that child inside of me.

So I sit here today and share with you all just another segment of my testimony to which I am anxiously awaiting for my book to be finished, and reveal the rest of it. Can I be honest and frank? I used to hate writing. But little did I know that it would become my gift to help others. Little did I know it would become my way to express the words on my heart that go unspoken. Little did I know that God would take something I once despised doing, and turn it into something I am finally passionate about. I've felt I've searched so long for my passion and without even realizing it, it was uncovered throughout my hardship. Writing became my means of communicating most effectively to the ones I love most. It became my therapy. And now it's become my gift and talent that I will hopefully be able to use to help others.

I say this all to hopefully give you some hope in your current storms in life. Whatever hardship you're going through, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. There's dry land and beautiful flowers replanted after the storm is over. Your faith, your entire life and everything in it may be shaken, but you'll come out stronger in the end. You will be a better person. 

Your tests in life may become your testimonies to share and help others. Your mess of a life just may one day turn into your message to help others. Just remind yourself in the midst of your storm that you are being primed right now for something really great that is coming your way. I am just an average joe on this planet. But I have a calling and a higher purpose than I once thought I was set here on earth to do. You too, have a higher purpose and sometimes, as much as it hurts to go through the pain and suffering, it's necessary to ho through to get you to that higher purpose you're here for.

God never left my prayers unanswered, He just answered them differently than what I imagined them to be. He reminded me that He has my heart and my best interest at His heart. He was the only one that was able to make me feel loved the way I desired and He was the only one that could heal my broken heart and patch up my open wounds. He is the reason I am who I am today and He is the reason I have what I have today. 

Those dark days still want to creep up on me, but choosing life in Him has helped me survive those dark reminders. 

My prayer for you all is that you too can press forward in hopes that you will discover your purpose and your testimony through all your hardship. 

May you be blessed. 

Planning for My Marriage

I was never the girl who dreamed of her wedding day, or the one who had a shoe box stored under her bed full of magazine cutouts and snippets of fabric that symbolized her colors and decor. I never gave Ryan an ultimatum or a deadline on when he "had to propose or else I'd move on". I never told him what ring I wanted to wear. I never even told him my ring size. We never really talked about the wedding, but marriage was frequently brought up. 

There comes a point in a woman's life where she evaluates her life and where she's at. Society forces us to evaluate our lives around the ages of 22-28. If we aren't married, thinking about marriage, if we don't have a good career, or if we aren't already having kids, then we're behind. I honestly never saw myself in this life I have right now; a business owner, a mother to a beautiful boy and a soon to be wife to an amazing man. I tend to be one that strays from society and all of its gimmicks. I hate seeing how people literally waste precious time with their friends and families while on technology. 4 out of 5 of the girls I surround myself with are all wearing the same clothes from the same chain store. I'd be the one with the outfit from the boutique store down in Alabama (this is an exaggeration, but I don't like having the same style everyone else has). I'm very outgoing, but an extreme introvert at heart. Instead of talking about The Real Housewives or The Kardashians, I want to talk about books like those from John Maxwell or Joel Osteen. But no one ever talks about books like that. Or at least in my group of friends. And sometimes I just want to sit in a room or outdoors by myself and just stare into space and get my creativity going so I can draw a beautiful picture. I like to draw, but society has forced me to believe I'm wasting my time if I'm not crossing things off my to do list. So I don't draw enough, and I don't write enough. In reality, I'm not maximizing the gifts God gave me. But one thing I know I did right, was choosing to do life with Ryan. At 26, almost 27 years of age, I know this is the right life for me. And whether I believed that initially, I know my life would not be going in the direction it is now if it wasn't for my child and my husband. 

My wardrobe, my cell phone, and my to-do list may never keep up with society, but my marriage never has to and that's the beauty of a marriage. I have friends who've I've witnessed firsthand stressing about the details of their wedding day. I get it, you are entertaining guests and want to make sure they have a wonderful experience at your "perfect day". But it oftentimes leaves them feeling disappointed if things don't go the way they planned it to be. I too hope my guests are pleased, but at the end of the day, that wedding day is about Ryan and I. I'm sorry if the chicken is too hard or the sides are original, but HELLLOO!! I'm about to say YES to FOREVER to this man and that's kind of a big deal!! Marriage is a big deal. It's a serious commitment (if you view it that way that is. Not everyone values a marriage and its covenant unfortunately). To my guests; I'm sorry if the music wasn't what you wanted to hear and the food wasn't all that great, I'll do my best to make sure both are legit, but please say a prayer for me, I'm about to embark on the biggest journey of my life and I need all the prayers I can get! 

I've overheard friends who've told me they picked out the ring that they wanted to wear, taking away the excitement of the special occasion. There's nothing wrong with a girl living out that once in a lifetime dream. But that's just not what I prefer. I'm the complete opposite. I want to be surprised everyday in my relationship. It keeps the lust in the love. If Ryan and I are running on lust alone, we're going to feel unloved quickly by one another. Lust is selfish, it's the desires we have in our heart to feel good from another persons actions of love towards us. But love is selfless. Love is a choice and its full of unfairness, bad decisions, forgiveness, cries, and disappointments. But love is also full of joy, peace, laughter, kindness, patience, and understanding. You don't get that stuff with lust. Lust will make you think it's time to move on to the next candidate for your spouse because he/she wasn't loving you enough. 

There have been many circumstances in my relationship where I had to choose to love Ryan. I had to choose to love him through disappointments and he had to choose to love me through disappointments. Ryan and I went through counseling and through a 4 month pre-marital class before even getting engaged. I would encourage everyone to go through some sort of counseling prior to engagement. You discover things about one another you may have never found out if it wasn't brought up in an intentional conversation. You learn tools on how to solve conflict with peace. You learn to not sweat the small stuff. You learn whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. Is this the person you want to wake up to everyday in bed with for the rest of your life? Is the person you want to make love with for the rest of your life? Is this the person you want to be the parent of your children? Is this the person you want to laugh with, cry with, and grow old with? Because if it's not, you can get out before you get too far in. Ryan and I took what we felt were good steps in getting to know one another before saying "yes" to one another for forever. I only want to do this marriage one time. Marriage is very sacred to me and I believe that if I'm loving God first and making Him my priority relationship, then Ryan will never feel shortchanged and he'll always feel fulfilled from my end. 

My dream is not to have a perfect wedding day, because I know perfect doesn't exist. Fairytale rarely exists. So having little expectations on that day will make for a wonderful day. But my dream is to have a lasting and fulfilling marriage. I already know what that looks like for me and I already know that's what life will be like for me. I want a marriage where I can serve God and serve others with my husband. 

There's a great purpose for Ryan and I being together. He's the first man I ever met that I wasn't attracted to first. I was actually turned off because I thought his good looks and his charm were just him picking another girl to "play". I had a horrible image of men for a long time due to some internal struggles of mine. So the thought of Ryan, whom as handsome as he is, choosing me was almost unreal at the time. But I didn't give myself enough credit because come to find out, I'm the perfect match for Ryan. I eventually saw his heart and knew his intentions were good. He was a genuine gentleman, whom later revealed his messy beautiful life with me and when he did, I knew we were meant to serve a purpose together. 

We're getting married August 13th of this year. My family from the south will be here up north for a memorial we are doing for my moms sister who passed away earlier this year. It was the perfect time to get married; having my closest family and friends there at the same time. I don't need 6 months or a year to plan anything. I don't have time to stress about decor or the dress. The day will be awesome because I get to say "I Do" to the most amazing gift God gave to me. Without Ryan, Lincoln would not be a part of my life. I can't thank God enough for these gifts He's given me. 

We were introduced about a year ago to this awesome book called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggrich. Reading it made total sense. It was the best "how to" book for those getting married or those who have been married and feel like things just aren't going the way they'd like them to be. A book married couples should read and include in their planning.

I am so excited to get to love and choose Mr. Ryan Mourice Hunter as his Mrs. Elizabeth Anne Hunter for the rest of our days together. August 13th, let's do this! 

Check Your Social Media Behavior

I couldn't help but notice every week when a group of my kids come in for their training sessions, they walk into the gym and will glance at themselves in the large mirror that magnifies every freckle, every pimple, and every unwanted attribute about themselves. 

They'll talk about how their legs are "gross" and how their stomach is "flabby" and how they can't wait to get their braces off because they "hate" their smile. These girls range from ages 15-17. Their comments about themselves sparked something in me to do an activity with them. 

I brought the girls over to the mirror and had them look directly into their own eyes and give themselves five compliments. What could have taken seconds to complete, ended up taking about ten minutes. They fidgeted, shuffled their feet in distress and a couple of them could barely look themselves directly in the eyes. My heart was broken watching them struggle to find beauty within themselves. I see them as vibrant and full of energy, beautiful young ladies with good heads on their shoulders. I know they are smart. I know they are hard workers. They are humorous. But they saw none of that. And I couldn't understand why. 

I talked to them about how they felt doing the activity; it was stressful, they hated it, and they felt uncomfortable. Why? "Because we don't talk about ourselves that way" they said. And by "that way" they meant, they don't compliment themselves. But they can easily pick apart their bodies and identify the things they think they aren't good at. They said they compare themselves with the pictures of other people they see on Instagram. They compare themselves to their friends. 

And so it was revealed....

I wondered where this comparison was coming from and who they looked at that convinced them they weren't pretty enough, or smart enough, or happy enough. It was their 24/7 access to social media that I discovered they spend on average a total of 3-5 hours/day on. That gives them access to see the lives of others, some they don't even know, and get a two inch by two inch framed glimpse of what their life is like. They look at that photo shopped and filtered image taken at the perfect angle and compare themselves to that. They compare themselves to the posts about others being happy with their boyfriends, when they are either boyfriend-less or going through some problems with their boyfriends. They think they need that male counterpart to make them feel pretty and to be happy. They don't understand why they aren't experiencing that same happiness. They think it's because of the way they look.

And this is where social media frustrates me....

We only see a small, very, very tiny glimpse of what that persons life is like through their pictures or their comments on their Twitter or Facebook posts. Majority of the time we have no clue what else is going on outside of those moments shared with us. And that's the thing, most people only share with the world the good,  because who wants to share the bad and who wants to hear the bad? Reality is, our lives are not perfect, but we think because we have had a good week of prepping meals, or that we bought a new and complimenting outfit, or that we did our hair and makeup, that we need to post a photo of it for everyone else to see. And for what reason? My only guess is for attention. To fill some sort of emotional void we aren't getting somewhere else in our life. 

Want to know what my life looks like outside of my happy and motivating posts and pictures? It's messy! I live a beautiful-messy life. I have problems in my relationship, problems as a mother, problems with my family, problems with my finances, problems with my spirituality, problems with my consistency in eating right and exercising. I'm not perfect. And maybe I should be more aware of how I'm perceiving my life to be to others if that's what our youth is seeing. 

I took a photo of each of them on the spot. I asked them if they'd post it to social media. Every singe one of them said, "Absolutely not!" They didn't like the angle, the lighting, they looked fat, their hair was gross, their eyes were squinting and their smile was too big. "But that's what I see when I see you everyday, ladies!    " I told them. "And to me, I see you as smart, beautiful, bright and kind young ladies." Why not share that with the world instead of filtering all the things we don't like about ourselves and sharing a falsified version of ourselves?

They learned a lesson, and so did I. I will be more aware of how I perceive my life through social media. If I'm not real with myself, y'all can count on me not being real with you. I won't accept that. I deserve better for myself, and so do you.

We need to be teaching our youth that THEY ARE ENOUGH! Social media is the foundation for a lot of bullying and peer pressure, it leads to depression, violence, and even death. It's convenient; yes. It's great for marketing; yes. But we still exist in this world and there's so much going on in this world we are missing by looking down at our phone screens all day. Screw the marketing and convenience benefits if it means it's taking away from our quality of life. There are so many moments that aren't truly experienced because we are focused on getting the picture on camera instead. And when we look back at the pictures we don't even remember what those moments felt like because we weren't actually experiencing them.

We need to encourage people to put their phones down. Just put them away! Easier said than done, right? Well, the future is in our hands and what I saw with the youth that I get to mentor and coach every day, is a problem. I saw a huge problem with the way they value themselves. If they don't value themselves, what's next? Drugs? Hard drugs? Sex? Human trafficking? Lying? Stealing? Cheating? They have a whole life ahead of them yet (God willing), but unless we share with them how loved they are, that they are good enough, the reality of what's online and what's behind it, and unless we SHOW them, not just tell them, that it's important to put our phones down and look up at life, then they will continue to transition into adulthood looking down, de-valuing their worth, and who knows what that will lead to and what that will look like. We haven't experienced anything like this era before. So we have to be the change we want to see. 

It's so easy for us as busy, working individuals to get caught up on our phones too. But we are setting the example to our youth who are followers of use, of the way life is supposed to be by being on our phones all the time. 

Try that activity I had my girls do. And if you struggle to look yourself in the eyes without losing contact of your own eyes, and if you struggle to compliment yourself and highlight your attributes, then you need to make a change. You need to empower yourself first in order to be able to empower others. And our youth needs to be empowered. The school that I coach at has experienced a suicide of a student within the school 3 times over the last 4 years. I've talked with kids about their depression and how they are on medication to control it. They are losing hope, drowning in our society and the way it's perceived to be through social media. They feel inefficient, and they fear things won't get better. Why? Because they see how we are living as adults, and it's the same damn way. 

I fear for our youth, that if we as the older generation do not restore ourselves, that they will struggle to find their way all of their lives. We need to restore them with hope. But the change starts with us. And it can start by putting your phone down and really living life, knowing your worth, and valuing your time. 

After writing this blog, I snapped a photo of my current self (the first and only photo). Undone hair, thick glasses still on, not a full smile because I didn't feel like giving a full smile, no perfect angle; just me. And this will always be the real, raw me. I know I'm beautiful aside from the naysayer in me that convinces me otherwise sometimes. How many of you can share a photo of yourselves like this? 

Baby Number Two ???

             

              To have another baby, or not to have another baby??? Is it just me, or has the first child not even left the womb and everyone already wants to know, “Are you having another one?”. I swear this all starts when we are in high school. You’re a freshman and everyone is like, “Are you going to college?”. You’re like, hello, I’m 14, I can’t decide if I’m too old for fruit loops or too young for a protein shake. Then it’s “when are you going to settle down”, followed by “when are you going to get married”, followed by “when are you going to have a baby”, followed by “when are you going to have more babies”, followed by “what is your blood type, social security number, and yearly salary”…. I admit I am probably guilty of asking one, or all of these questions to someone at some point, and I hate it because it sometimes seems to make people feel bad for the kind of life they might be living in that moment.

                For me, the question of are you having another baby was a question I dreaded because I know deeeeep down that I want another baby, but mentally wrapping my head around it is a whole other story. So….when people ask me it brings on this flood of feelings and thoughts that would likely crush them if I could somehow manifest the thoughts into an object and answer them honestly. I realize it isn’t so much the question, but the intention behind the question that really gets to me. For instance, some people ask if you’re going to college like it’s a bad thing if you say no. The same applies to the “are you having a second baby question”, as if deciding to have only one child is the be all end all most terrible thing you could do.

                Here is the out loud answer for me: Do I want to have a second baby? Yes. Can I have a second baby? I hope so. Are you going to have a second baby? I would like to.

                Aaaannnd here is the reality: Do you want to have a second baby? Yes, BUT…..Can you have a second baby? I hope so, BUT…..Are you going to have a second baby? I would like to, BUT…..and the Buts are the uncomfortable part of the conversation because in the but (if you will) is the lengthy list of concerns, worries, and anxiety that the thought of having a second child brings about in my crazy mind. Would it be great to have a second baby? Of course it would, but this Moming thing ain’t easy and it’s terrifying and gratifying all at the same time to even think about it. Can we afford another baby, will I ever sleep again, can I handle it, can my husband handle it, can the dam dog handle it, is our house big enough, is our car safe enough, what the hell is going to happen to my body this time, is my pregnancy going to suck again, is my delivery going to be a nightmare again, who is going to be the next president, did I eat breakfast today, when did I wash my hair last….and the list goes on, and On and ONNNNNNN…but at the end of the day….drum roll please, Ryan and I have decided to try for another baby….yikes.

                With all my worries, doubts, anxiety, demanding job, bits of insomnia, migraines (shout out to Young Living Essential Oils for saving my life and helping me sleep better and reduce my migraines), blab la blablaaaa, we are going to try to have another baby…I realize that if I can’t make up my mind, then I know for sure I must want another baby because if I was dead against it then it wouldn’t be a topic of conversation, and I would be on birth control STAT. I also realize I get upset with people for asking because of my own internal struggle with it. I am a worry wart and I can’t stand the enormous amount of worry that comes with my answers. Truth be told, I’m probably never going to “be ready” to have another baby, but I know this much, for me and Ryan we want our children to be close in age. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with spacing out your children, but I am talking about me right now and what I feel will work best for me and my family, and with that being said, I’m already probably a few months behind…but hey, it’s our schedule after all.

                Again, I will never be ready, I will never have enough money (what’s enough money anyway?), my house will never be big enough, and my car will probably not be safe enough, but here’s what I do know…I will continue to be a kick ass mom. I will make mistakes along the way and I will learn from them. I will love my babies with every bit of myself. I will go through periods of embarrassment when my future children throw horrible tantrums in public. I will sacrifice and do what ever I have to do to make it because that’s just what you do, and that is what finally gave me the courage (yes, courage) to decide to go for baby number two. It’s going to be really hard, I will probably cry on a daily basis, I will probably beg for 5 minutes alone, or 30 more minutes of sleep, but I will get by because I will have even more reasons to continue to do so.

                Flash back to when I was single, making great money, partying, traveling, living above the Hudson River in Weehawken, NJ (gotta plug Jersey), eating out all the time, shopping relentlessly (who needs a retirement fund when there’s shoes to be bought), going to yoga, chatting on the phone, hitting up happy hours, doing what ever the hell I wanted, I didn’t see babies and marriage in my future, marriage, maybe, but babies, no. I was having a great time and loving life, but who am I kidding, just over two years ago I was still dancing on speakers…yikes, it’s true. That life seems soooo far away right now as I’m picking up oversized blocks, washing bottle parts, singing Sophia the First, and Mickey Mouse Club House, and covering up the dark circles under my eyes, and it really is all good. I don’t regret a single thing because it’s all part of what makes me who I am, and I still surprise myself sometimes. I remember telling my grandmother I was getting married, I thought she was going to have a heart attack. My little old Italian Nonna, even with her dementia she remembered believing I would never get married. Forget it when I told her I was pregnant, that announcement landed her in a nursing home, probably a coincidence, but I like to believe it was the shock of me having a child that put her over the edge and some days I want to admit myself as her roommate (her cooking is killer).

Wrapping it up…One day when my kid(s) are grown, I am going to tell them all (or just some) of my crazy stories… like that time I drank champagne with P Diddy, and I’ll feel super cool and they’ll look at me like who’s P Diddy? Then I’ll tell them that for me, the greatest, craziest, most emotional, most rewarding journey of all is parenthood. The memories will be endless, the laughs will be plenty, the tears, trials, tribulations, bumps, bruises, weight gain, weight loss, weight gain again, yelling, timeouts, tantrums, diapers, hugs, kisses, holidays, all of it, will be great, and I’m only in the beginning stages…the best is yet to come…it’s baby making time!

Start Dreaming Again

I've always loved Easter and the meaning of it. Easter egg hunts and baskets filled with goodies as a kid; nothing was better. The pastel rainbow color palette, spring weather, and the hope this season gives others has always been my favorite. Yesterday I got to share this favorite day of mine with my son and his beloved daddy. To share that favorite day with two of the most dearest people to my heart was an absolute treat.

Our church services are performed at 7:30 and 10:45am every Sunday. We usually get up to go to the 7:30am service because it means we get out of church earlier in the day and have more time to get other things done. But this morning daddy decided to let everyone sleep in. Which was another treat in itself. Not only did we sleep in, but we awoke to breakfast in bed. Lincoln a bottle, and I was greeted with sausage, eggs and French toast. Ryan loves to cook and he loves to surprise me so it was a win-win to start the day off.

We made it to second service where the church was jam packed. A great sight for Pastor, not so much for us. The air system was broken and it was a hot and sweaty service, which sometimes makes it hard to focus on the sermon when you're constantly fanning yourself to keep cool. Add a baby in the mix, constantly worried on their body temperature, if they are going to belt out a loud cry, and whether or not they are hungry, church gets a little hotter with all that fidgeting.

Service was great, the message was great, the choir and dance ministries were great. I love our church and everything that goes in to making each service unique and entertaining. Lincoln slept the entire time so that took away our worries of being those newbie parents during the service that struggle to calm their kid down. Pastor talked about "Dreaming Again" and I thought I'd share parts of his sermon. 

The last year and a half of my life came with many trials. There were many bumps and bruises to my ego, my heart, and my overall happiness. You know the saying that says bad things come in threes? Well, it was like bad things come in tens for me. It seemed to be one thing after the next, or at least that's how I began to look at everything.

When one bad circumstance approached in my life, I had a hard time letting it go. I'd carry it with me for a long time and before you know it, something else would come up that would set me back. Instead of looking at everything as lessons learned, I saw life as unfair. I had a horrible outlook on everything. I didn't enjoy my pregnancy until the very end. Any problems that were arising in my relationship I thought were enough to make he or I want to flee from one another. When business would get slow, I'd worry about every bill and how it was going to get paid. I worried a lot about things that weren't meant for me to worry about. I had a negative view on some of my life's most important lessons. It's easy to do what I did. What's hard is focusing on the positive, having faith and hope that everything will work out for my own good, and just trusting His future for me. 

A month ago I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I finally decided to talk to my doctor about everything I had been feeling from negativity, to sadness, to worry. I took a simple test, talked to her and before I knew it she was giving me information on postpartum and talking to me about possible medications to begin. 

She was still talking as I was thinking to myself, "I went through all of this to find out that I was the problem all along?" I had to go on medication. I had to seek therapy. Now I was just even more furious. "Where were you God in that moment?" I thought to myself. He was right there all along though, every single moment; He never left. But He was waiting for me to see Him instead of always seeing the worst in every situation.

I went through a spiritual warfare, a financial warfare, a relationship warfare, an identity warfare. My entire life was changing for what I once thought was the worst. But in church today, I was reminded that it's okay to dream again about life being good. This Easter weekend I was reminded of the greatest gift Jesus gave to me; himself.

I have never not been able to pay a bill. We are still in business and running smoothly. Our relationship has overcome some major obstacles and we are a team now looking out for one another rather than ourselves only. I truly believe it was necessary for us to learn some lessons before we could ever think about the commitment of marriage. We are about to finish our pre marital class in the next week. We survived! Which makes us one step closer to that commitment and that blessing from God. I may not have enjoyed pregnancy, but I gave birth to a healthy baby boy who is now almost five months and has brought an unimaginable amount of joy to my life. I may have been diagnosed with some postpartum, but instead of talking about what God wasn't doing for me, I began talking about what he has done for me and what he will do for me. 

To dream again for me, means that no matter the struggle or how long the storm may last, I know that I have a God that will carry me through. My struggle seemed like it was never going to end, but instead of focusing on everything that has happened that had gone wrong, I needed to shift that perspective and focus on how far I had come and begin talking about the blessings He has in store for me. I needed to start dreaming again. 

Eventually you can talk yourself into a life of turmoil. Your words can be spoken into existence. If you focus on the lack of finances, the relationship issues, your bad health, your diagnosis, and your unfair cards that you felt were dealt to you, that's the life you're going to live. But if you talk about how you've never been without when it comes to money, that your spouse is still there with you at the end of the day, that you are still breathing upon waking everyday no matter your diagnosis, then you are going to view your life a bit more positively. 

 So no matter your situation or circumstance, I challenge you to find at least one positive thing about that situation. Lost a loved one? Just think of how they are no longer suffering and how good of hands they are in now. Late on paying a bill? Just remind yourself that you still have a home, with food to eat, a bed to lay in at night, and clothes to keep you warm. Had an argument with your significant other? Just remind yourself of how conflict can present an opportunity. Refrain from shouting in anger. You have the opportunity to listen, to grow in your relationship and better your communication when an argument, or disagreement rather, presents itself. 

However wrong things seem to be going, start dreaming again. Start thinking of how far you've come and what is in store for you. The shift in your perspective will literally shift your life. Ever gone to church and heard a message or read something in a book and told yourself you needed to hear that right at that time? That's how yesterday was for me. And it was the perfect message for the day. 

Not even death could hold Jesus down. He rose from death and shared with others that nothing was going to hold him down. And if we believed in that and in him, then we'd also realize that nothing can hold us down either. He gave his life for me, for us, and because He did that, I don't have to worry about all the things that could go wrong. All I have to do is remind myself that everything is going to be okay. I have to believe in the good.

 Whatever you are going through, don't let it hold you down. Speak life into your words and start dreaming again. And if you want to hear the awesome message for yourself, just go to www.newsalemcares.com and click on the sermon tab where you'll find all Pastor Troy's good ole motivation. 

Hoping your week is filled with dreams again! 

To The Mom Who Doesn't or Can't Breastfeed

​I couldn’t help but find myself envious of my friend Lauren, whom you see blogging on here as well, and her journey of breastfeeding her little Maverick for his first year of life. Where Lauren was skeptical and terrified of the concept of breastfeeding, I was all too excited to breastfeed Lincoln in the beginning. I always thought it was so cool how a mom could literally feed another human being from her breasts. Like, the baby literally grows and grows and grows from eating off your breasts! How freaking cool is that?! I was pumped to get started, and I received wind that when you breastfeed, your boobs get a whole cup size bigger. Winner, winner! ​

​Moments after Lincoln entered this world, they laid him on my bare chest for me to fully grasp the gift of life that was granted to me. The little miracle, whom I had the pleasure of being a vessel of life for him, was now in my arms and laying ever so peacefully on my chest. It was absolutely amazing, and a moment I will NEVER forget. He naturally wiggled his way over to my nipple. And yes, as Lauren said, your nipple becomes the size of a helicopter landing pad. It was quite unappealing and disturbing to look at myself at first. I called my nipples the AK-47’s of nipples. They were huge, and frightening to stare at in the beginning. But my breasts eventually filled out very nicely and I quickly forgot about the dark big and gross looking areolas. Linc found those suckers within moments after birth. Apparently he has some sort of sensory telling him where his milk supply is. He latched on like a pro; no problems. 

​Day two in the hospital was a different story, the breastfeeding became super painful and he was needing to eat frequently and every single time he latched on, though he was latching on correctly, it felt like someone was taking a sharp knife and slowly scraping off one layer of skin at a time on my breasts. The lactation consultants did all they could to help me with the pain. They were grabbing my breasts for me and sticking the nipple in Lincoln’s mouth to make sure that sucker was put right where it was supposed to be, but still no relief came. 

​I was about three weeks into breastfeeding and I wanted to give up. I cried nearly every time I had to feed my son. The sucking for milk hurt so bad that I had to put a towel in my mouth and hold Ryan’s hand every time I fed Lincoln and with each suck I bit down hard onto the towel and squeezed his hand so hard I nearly broke my hand every single feeding from squeezing so hard to take my mind off the pain. I'd let out a big ole F*#$!!!kkk! to make myself feel better. It wasn’t until about week six that I finally found out that I had a yeast infection on my nipples the entire time, and apparently that makes it hurt like hell when you are breastfeeding. I got that cleared up and breastfeeding became a breeze. I was so stressed out about it in the beginning that my supply was dwindling down, but when I was free from the stress of pain, my supply began to increase.   

​But at about month two and a half, I started seeing some changes in my supply again. Pumping for milk WAS a fulltime job. It was the most stressful thing I ever had to do. I felt like I couldn’t leave the house because I was constantly pumping for milk before I could leave Linc with his daddy. Then I’d come home, only to latch him right back on my boob because he had gone through my pump supply already. Lincoln would fuss and fuss as if he were still hungry and I quickly realized at that point that he wasn’t getting enough milk in his feedings. He was cranky because he was still hungry. I had to start thinking about supplementing with some formula for his own good so he would be satisfied. I researched the heck out of every formula that was worth the read. I finally came across one made by Nature’s Own called, Baby’s Only Organic Formula. Aside from goats milk, which is the next best supplement to mother’s milk, this formula seemed to be the golden ticket.  

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          Once I began feeding Lincoln with formula, my supply dwindled even more. Now I am only able to feed him with what I consider a snack to hold him over until his bottle gets warmed up. I went from absolute pain, to pain free and doing well with my supply, to pain free and no supply. It’s been quite the roller coaster ride, breastfeeding has. I was determined to feed Lincoln from myself for his entire first year of his life, but God had a different plan for me. It was also a pride thing for me. I wanted to feed him from my breasts knowing it was the best thing for him and when that couldn’t happen anymore, I felt like an insufficient mom. My body was able to carry him for nine months and I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, but come time to feed him and nourish him, my body couldn’t do it. I felt like a failure. 

​It still bothers me to this day that I don’t get to just latch him on my boob anywhere I go, any time I need to. It would be so nice and convenient at times. And the bond that I had with him when he was getting all his nourishment through me was also one I’ll cherish forever. I was only able to give him a good three months of breast milk, but I guess that is better than nothing. According to my doctor, it’s actually the best thing for me right now because breast feeding causes your estrogen levels to jump all over the place and I’m also dealing with some postpartum, which is due to my hormonal imbalance, and the breastfeeding for me would only make my road to recovery from postpartum, that much longer. 

​I’m sad and mad about the fact that I can’t feed my son directly from me, but I am forever grateful for the formula that does give him the nutrients to grow and survive. As Lauren put it, there’s no right or wrong way to feed your baby. You’re going to do what is best for both you and your baby. And what may be the best for your baby may not always be the best for you. Weighing out the pros and cons is important. And for those that have struggled like I have with being able to breastfeed, carry on, warrior. You are already fighting enough battles day to day as a mother, a wife, a friend, an employee, and a daughter. Don’t put any more stress on yourself than you have to. You are doing an amazing job and your baby will love you regardless of what you can and can’t do for him/her. All they need is some real good lovin', which you have an endless supply of!