Below is a letter I received three years ago from my abuser, which is preceding to the blog.
Dear Elizabeth,
Do you remember the night I showed up and fed you nothing but sweets for dinner? You didn’t seem to mind that was all I brought you for dinner. You loved the cheesecake, the oreos, the ice cream and the rice cakes dipped in peanut butter that I served you. The joy that streamed from your eyes made me so happy. Do you remember that? You invited me into your home quite often. I usually showed up with lots of fatty and sugary foods because I knew they made you the happiest. You’d eat an entire box of “Cheez-its” before you’d even speak to me. But it was okay, as long as you were happy.
It got to a point where you invited me over so often that you started to hide me. Your roommates never knew I was around; they didn’t even know who I was. Again, I accepted that you hid me from others. After all, I was pretty mean and harmful. I started to abuse you physically and emotionally. You became an angry person because of the abuse I did to you. You took your pain out on others and never told them that I was the problem. You started to gain weight from all the foods I brought over for breakfast, lunch and dinner. When you began inviting me over for more than just dinner, I knew you were lonely. I was always there for you. We became good friends; attached at the hips, kind of friends.
One day, you went off to work and I never heard from you. You usually checked in, so I was a bit worried and I showed up at your door late one evening to check on you. You welcomed me, but you were crying. You took the treats I brought you and put them in the trash and poured milk over everything so you wouldn’t dig them out later to eat. The next day came and I never heard from you then either. You didn’t answer the door that night when I came knocking, so I decided I’d give you some space. We were spending a lot of time with one another and I knew you needed more time to yourself and others.
A month went by and I never heard from you. I knew you had a big test for finals and I knew what day it was on so I decided to come over the night before and give you some good luck treats. To my surprise you looked like a completely different person. I hardly recognized the new you. You were glowing in the face. But when you opened the door, you looked at me with the mean face I always gave you and others. You yelled at me while I stood awkwardly at your door step. You told me to never come back again. You said I was a bad influence and that all along I was not helping you at all, I was only hurting you. You slammed the door in my face and that was the last day I ever heard from you. It's been a few years now and I still pass by you from time to time at the grocery store. We stare at one another, knowing that we were once great friends, but we keep on walking as if we were strangers all along.
I see you are doing well now. You are helping other people get over the relationship that you were once in. It hurts my feelings a little because I know how good I can be at times, but I overhear you telling others how horrible I can be and that I should only be around in small amounts, like in these little things called “fruits.” My presence is dangerous and you tell them that you don’t want them to end up in a relationship like you were once in.
Even though we don’t associate with one another anymore, I am proud of you for letting me go. I admit that I am dangerous and abuse others physically and emotionally. I’m no good for anybody. I am the worst addiction for most people today; worse than my friends Al (Alcohol) and Coco (Cocaine). I wish you well in your future life and I hope you keep on inspiring others to find healthier replacements than me. I don’t deserve to have as many friends as I do.
Sincerely,
Sugar
.............
For years I carried an extra weight. Not the weight that is measured in pounds (though I could afford to lose some of those too), but there was an emotional weight that I had carried for far too long. I had my focus on the wrong weight all along. The extra weight that is measured in pounds was from the weight I carried in emotions. I never understood how I could lose the physical weight but still feel heavier than ever before.
I hid behind my addiction to food and my eating disorder for many years. I hid it so well I sometimes had myself fooled as if I were healthy and well. A few years ago I wrote that letter to myself from my abuser; Sugar. Sugar had me wrapped around its finger. But Sugar was never the real problem in my struggle to lose weight. There was something deeper that I was struggling with. Sugar knew how to make me feel good. I felt loved to a certain degree. But there was this hole in my heart that no loved one could fill and no piece of chocolate could ever satisfy. The hole was empty, but it was still so heavy. It weighed me down emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
All that time I was struggling with that weight, while He was up there patiently looking at me in wait. I'm sure it had to hurt Him more that He had to wait so long for me to lose the weight knowing all I had to do was ask Him for help and believe that He could help. When I finally let Him take away the emotional weight and I let him into that empty hole in my heart, I never felt heavy again. The longer I waited, the more I felt weighted.
I think addiction is related to the desire to feel loved; at least it was for me. We have a misconception of love; for it is not a feeling, it is a choice. We feel happy when someone loves us, or we feel sad when someone doesn't love us. But we cannof feel loved or unloved; love is not a feeling. My addiction to food came with the desire to be loved. I had loved ones support me all along in my life, but not a single person filled me up the way my heart was seeking. I guess that's why God left me to feel so empty, because He knew I'd eventually need His love in that space in my heart. Before Him, I was okay with struggling on my own, fighting battles on my own, trying to find happiness on my own, surviving life on my own, but doing it all on my own was hard, it was burdening, and it was heavy. Knowing that His love and His love alone could take away that weight that made me feel so heavy was a choice I decided to make every day upon waking up. I choose His love because it has made fighting addiction, finding happiness, and surviving life a lot easier knowing He's there to help me and take away some of that weight.
I've been able to help so many people in this health and wellness industry because I share my experiences; not because I have good advice on working out and eating well. Those experiences have helped many people. My experiences have given others hope and they've given others a sense of direction. So if you're fighting a battle that you can't seem to win, let Him take over. I wasn't sure I'd ever win against my addiction to sugar, but with God's love I did. God has carried me through the lowest of lowest and has allowed me to experience the highest of highs. If He can do that for me, He can do that for you. And make sure you ask yourself is it the weight, or is it the wait, that is holding you back.
At my heaviest (aside from pregnancy). What a coincidence, a drink in hand!
One of my highest of highs: My baptism day, 10/12/14.
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