One of the main differences between man and woman besides our reproductive make up, is that women compare themselves to one another's looks and men compare themselves to one another's success. If you're a female reading this, you can't tell me you haven't looked at another female and said a degrading comment in your head to yourself about her. You're lying if you said you haven't. We're not perfect human beings, therefore we sometimes say and think imperfect things.
Two years ago I attended my church women's retreat and I learned a very valuable tool that has helped me to form better and healthier female relationships. I used to be one that thought I got along with men more than women because men were less drama. But is a man ever going to fully comprehend me? No. Is a man going to sit there and listen to me when I need to vent and really listen wholeheartedly? No. Is a man going to understand my pain when it's that time of the month or understand all the highs and lows of pregnancy? No. A man will never be able to fully understand a woman, and vice versa. So why did I ever think that my relationships with men were ever better for me than my relationships with females? Well, part of me always had a problem with my female relationships and the extent to which I allowed myself to fully unveil who I was in those relationships because women compare themselves to one another. We judge one another. We butt heads with one another. Why? Because we are actually all very much alike. Tell us not to eat fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and we will still have this lingering desire to want to eat that fruit because gosh darn it, it's all Eve's fault. It started with Eve and now here we are today; nosey and trying to understand things that aren't for our understanding and getting into trouble because we do things we aren't supposed to do. ALL women are similarly programmed, but we make sure as hell that we are unique, special, and stand out from one another because we want more attention than the person sitting next to us. So that, that right there, is exactly why I've always had problems getting closer to women, because we are so much alike that I sometimes can't stand to be around someone that resembles me in the way I think and act. It's annoying, it's too much to handle. So having a conversation with an emotion-less man and drinking a beer while watching some football on television sometimes sounds like a better option than to call up a girlfriend and vent about what's going on in my day. Even though that's exactly what I probably need.
Two years ago I learned at my women's retreat, which was intended to empower women, build up women and encourage togetherness amongst women, that if you don't have good-healthy female relationships, then something is wrong with YOU. Not with that other woman, but with YOU! When I heard that I was like, "Nah, they got this all wrong, I'm the most laid back chick on the planet, there's nothing wrong with me, it's these other drama mamas that I need to look out for." But then I kept listening and the more I listened, the more it sunk in that, yes, it's pretty important to get along with my female frenzies. Why? Because we are alike, we're all sisters 1000x removed, we truly DO understand one another, we can empathize for one another and we need to build one another up. And then I realized that I really needed to look deep inside of me and figure why I had such a hard time building deep relationships with women. It was revealed to me that I did play the lead role in my lack of deep girl friendships. A lot of it stemmed from personal insecurities; which I've diligently been working on over the last few years. But come on, what woman doesn't have an insecurity about herself?
Those insecurities made me feel imperfect, unlikeable, and unattractive at times and so I didn't bother connecting with other women on a deep level for the fear that those insecurities would balloon up if I share them or compared them to that other woman. That's all I needed was to be consumed even more so by those nagging insecurities that try to take me down every, single, day. But that's where I was all wrong. Women get me. Men never truly will. Even my love, I love him oh so dearly and as much as he tries to understand me, he will never completely understand me. And that's okay, he's not supposed to. But my sistas, I need you! And you need me.
I need you to build me up when I am down. I need you to compliment me when I'm feeling not so pretty. I need you to support me when I go after my dreams and passions. I need your congratulations when I do something worth congratulating. I don't need your talk behind my back. I don't need your eyes staring up and down and judging me. I don't need your selflessness. I don't need any of that. I give enough of that to myself. And I'll be damned sure to give all of those things right back to you. Because I know you desperately need them too.
We as women have a constant desire to need to be loved. Why? Because God made us that way. Men were made from soil (S-O-I-L) and women were made from the soul (S-O-U-L...or the rib). Therefore, men are more surface like, they only really get dirt deep in their understanding of one another. Women aspire to connect deep to one another's soul. It's why we always want to feel our men loving us deeply when now you know, they just aren't wired that way. Doesn't mean they can't or won't love you deeply, they just won't love you the same way another girlfriend will love and understand you. So connecting with women and understanding one another is important( it's what we were made to do. We need less tearing one another apart and more building one another up.
I've never relied on my girlfriends more than I have now when I became a mother. I've never felt the need to be understood like I have since I've been a mother. No one but a mother will understand and extend the grace when you go an ENTIRE day without getting anything done for yourself or with the house because you've spent the ENTIRE day taking care of your child(ren). Not because you wanted to love on them and make an excuse for not getting anything done, but because they physically needed every second of your attention. It was one of those days.... Husband will try and understand you when he comes home and sees the mess. Your not yet mothery friends will try and understand that you met them for coffee looking like a bum and they are all dressed cute in their leggings, Hunter boots, hippie earrings and perfectly groomed top bun. They will try and understand the fact that you are tired, in need of a shower and in need of alone time but you still made time for them. Yep, they will really try, because they are your girlfriends. And husband will really try and understand the unwashed dishes, the unmade bed and the toys all over because he loves you so much for taking care of his child(ren). But other mothers, they get me. They know what I'm really thinking.
As we grow in life and circumstances change, our friendships change. We tend to surround ourselves around likeminded people because trying to fit in with people that aren't like you is sometimes exhausting. It's not that I am no longer friends with all the friends I've ever known throughout my life, no, I still make an effort to get together with my ever so unique and different from me friends because I love them. But over time I found myself hanging out more with my motherly friends, my church going and gym going friends because they just get me right now at this time in my life. My life will change, circumstances will change and my friendships will change. It's important for me to make as many friends as I can. That's what we're really here on earth to do; to connect with one another, to love one another.
So to all my gal pals; I appreciate you, I love you, I think you're beautiful, smart, and I know you're going to go big places and do big things. Thank you for your empathy, your realness and rawness. Thank you for making the effort to connect deeply with me because you may not have known it in that moment, but I needed our deep girl talk that day. I needed to vent. I needed your understanding.
My life and my relationships have really transpired over the years and there's a unique beauty about them both. Unique is a nicer way of saying messy in my mind. There's a messy-beauty about my life and relationships. To me, that's called balance. And I'm all about that balance. I need some more yin for all my yang. We as women need more balance, we need more friendships with one another. So from this day forth, make a pact with yourself that you will no longer tear down another woman for her beauty or for her success, but agree to build her up, compliment her and encourage her. Make a pact with yourself that you'll start working on your personal insecurities. Remember, the more you love yourself, the more you'll love others. If you find yourself having very few girlfriends, take a look at yourself. It's not healthy to have little friendships with your female sisters from other misters. Remember, you were made to connect with one another.....as hard as it may seem to do at times.
I wrote this because I was inspired by a friend of mine. She may not see herself as a friend of mine, maybe more of just an acquaintance. We've shared some deep and personal things with one another before, but there's still something not clicking on our relationship (which is non-existent right now). Without ever asking her directly, I get the impression that she has a hard time liking me for whatever reason(s) they might be. I'm a pretty brutally honest person at times. I come off sounding like a positive patty majority of the time and maybe she just wants me to be a negative nancy at times? I may have gone places she wanted to go? Or had things she once wanted? Whatever the reason, I'm just assuming, and my assumptions were based off of talk. Gossip. Ugh, such a crappy word. We all do it though. But through gossip, I heard that it didn't sit with her well that I was promoted in an area of my life where she wasn't. Had it been the first time I heard gossip coming from her, I wouldn't question it, but this is a reoccurring beef. I have something to say to that friend of mine. If she's reading this (which I hope both that she is and that she isn't), then I need her to know something. I need YOU to know something.
I get you. I know your pain and where it all came from. You shared it with me once. I see you and I know your desires. I can be a good friend to you and I can help you. My intentions were never to hurt you. Or to gloat in my successes. I've never done any of that (which you already know). I'm not sure what it is that bothers you about me, but you know parts of me too. You know I've been through pain, you know I've had my failures (still do), and you know I have my insecurities. It hurts me to hear you aren't happy for me. One door opened for me and one closed for you. That door that closed was to redirect you in the path that your Heavenly Father has set out for you. I'm not competing against you, I'm here to encourage you in your journey. I'm going after the things in life God set out for me; I suggest you do the same. Worry less about me and more about the plans He has for you. Worry won't get you anywhere; trust me, tried it. I believe in you, I care for you, I think you're going to do great in life. I think you're smart, beautiful and full of talents and gifts that this world needs more of. Best of luck in your future endeavors. And I mean that sincerely from the bottom of my heart.
We all have that girl friend or have had that girl friend where we've experienced the same situation. Well, I encourage you to be a better woman than me and instead of hiding behind the page and saying it indirectly to her, reach out to her and tell her how you feel (in your nicest and most sincere voice ever). Because we as women will search for that one word that has that tone in your voice that may suggest you aren't being sincere. It's the way we were wired ladies. Nothing we can do about it.
Let's encourage togetherness, healthy friendships and empowering one another. We need stronger, healthier (inside and out) women in this world. We make the world go round because we are the soul connectors. Get out there and make some friends, ladies!
Your Friend,
Liz
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