I couldn’t help but find myself envious of my friend Lauren, whom you see blogging on here as well, and her journey of breastfeeding her little Maverick for his first year of life. Where Lauren was skeptical and terrified of the concept of breastfeeding, I was all too excited to breastfeed Lincoln in the beginning. I always thought it was so cool how a mom could literally feed another human being from her breasts. Like, the baby literally grows and grows and grows from eating off your breasts! How freaking cool is that?! I was pumped to get started, and I received wind that when you breastfeed, your boobs get a whole cup size bigger. Winner, winner!
Moments after Lincoln entered this world, they laid him on my bare chest for me to fully grasp the gift of life that was granted to me. The little miracle, whom I had the pleasure of being a vessel of life for him, was now in my arms and laying ever so peacefully on my chest. It was absolutely amazing, and a moment I will NEVER forget. He naturally wiggled his way over to my nipple. And yes, as Lauren said, your nipple becomes the size of a helicopter landing pad. It was quite unappealing and disturbing to look at myself at first. I called my nipples the AK-47’s of nipples. They were huge, and frightening to stare at in the beginning. But my breasts eventually filled out very nicely and I quickly forgot about the dark big and gross looking areolas. Linc found those suckers within moments after birth. Apparently he has some sort of sensory telling him where his milk supply is. He latched on like a pro; no problems.
Day two in the hospital was a different story, the breastfeeding became super painful and he was needing to eat frequently and every single time he latched on, though he was latching on correctly, it felt like someone was taking a sharp knife and slowly scraping off one layer of skin at a time on my breasts. The lactation consultants did all they could to help me with the pain. They were grabbing my breasts for me and sticking the nipple in Lincoln’s mouth to make sure that sucker was put right where it was supposed to be, but still no relief came.
I was about three weeks into breastfeeding and I wanted to give up. I cried nearly every time I had to feed my son. The sucking for milk hurt so bad that I had to put a towel in my mouth and hold Ryan’s hand every time I fed Lincoln and with each suck I bit down hard onto the towel and squeezed his hand so hard I nearly broke my hand every single feeding from squeezing so hard to take my mind off the pain. I'd let out a big ole F*#$!!!kkk! to make myself feel better. It wasn’t until about week six that I finally found out that I had a yeast infection on my nipples the entire time, and apparently that makes it hurt like hell when you are breastfeeding. I got that cleared up and breastfeeding became a breeze. I was so stressed out about it in the beginning that my supply was dwindling down, but when I was free from the stress of pain, my supply began to increase.
But at about month two and a half, I started seeing some changes in my supply again. Pumping for milk WAS a fulltime job. It was the most stressful thing I ever had to do. I felt like I couldn’t leave the house because I was constantly pumping for milk before I could leave Linc with his daddy. Then I’d come home, only to latch him right back on my boob because he had gone through my pump supply already. Lincoln would fuss and fuss as if he were still hungry and I quickly realized at that point that he wasn’t getting enough milk in his feedings. He was cranky because he was still hungry. I had to start thinking about supplementing with some formula for his own good so he would be satisfied. I researched the heck out of every formula that was worth the read. I finally came across one made by Nature’s Own called, Baby’s Only Organic Formula. Aside from goats milk, which is the next best supplement to mother’s milk, this formula seemed to be the golden ticket.
Once I began feeding Lincoln with formula, my supply dwindled even more. Now I am only able to feed him with what I consider a snack to hold him over until his bottle gets warmed up. I went from absolute pain, to pain free and doing well with my supply, to pain free and no supply. It’s been quite the roller coaster ride, breastfeeding has. I was determined to feed Lincoln from myself for his entire first year of his life, but God had a different plan for me. It was also a pride thing for me. I wanted to feed him from my breasts knowing it was the best thing for him and when that couldn’t happen anymore, I felt like an insufficient mom. My body was able to carry him for nine months and I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, but come time to feed him and nourish him, my body couldn’t do it. I felt like a failure.
It still bothers me to this day that I don’t get to just latch him on my boob anywhere I go, any time I need to. It would be so nice and convenient at times. And the bond that I had with him when he was getting all his nourishment through me was also one I’ll cherish forever. I was only able to give him a good three months of breast milk, but I guess that is better than nothing. According to my doctor, it’s actually the best thing for me right now because breast feeding causes your estrogen levels to jump all over the place and I’m also dealing with some postpartum, which is due to my hormonal imbalance, and the breastfeeding for me would only make my road to recovery from postpartum, that much longer.
I’m sad and mad about the fact that I can’t feed my son directly from me, but I am forever grateful for the formula that does give him the nutrients to grow and survive. As Lauren put it, there’s no right or wrong way to feed your baby. You’re going to do what is best for both you and your baby. And what may be the best for your baby may not always be the best for you. Weighing out the pros and cons is important. And for those that have struggled like I have with being able to breastfeed, carry on, warrior. You are already fighting enough battles day to day as a mother, a wife, a friend, an employee, and a daughter. Don’t put any more stress on yourself than you have to. You are doing an amazing job and your baby will love you regardless of what you can and can’t do for him/her. All they need is some real good lovin', which you have an endless supply of!
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